In all seriousness my cousin is a specialist in catching creatures and keeping them out. Don't know what side of town you're on but he might could help out.
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Attic cats would probably help too.
That is a good band name.

I KEEP TEARING THEIR WINGS OFF BEFORE I CAN GET THEIR BALLS.Moth balls might help too
I KEEP TEARING THEIR WINGS OFF BEFORE I CAN GET THEIR BALLS.
Would moth ovaries have the same effect?Moth balls might help too
Okay I've got this figured out.
Two attic cats working in shifts to cover the agility aspect.
Two giant snakes to crawl around for sneak attacks.
Half a dozen squirrel eating spiders (males and females of course) to hide in all the hard to get areas.