-
ODT Gun Show & Swap Meet - May 4, 2024! - Click here for info
One the duties of a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
I WOKE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (AS I OFTEN DO).
I noticed a strange individual who looked like a burglar with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbor’s back garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave in the veggie patch and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said.
”What?” she said.
"THAT B*STARD NEXT DOOR HAS STILL GOT MY SHOVEL"
I noticed a strange individual who looked like a burglar with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbor’s back garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave in the veggie patch and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said.
”What?” she said.
"THAT B*STARD NEXT DOOR HAS STILL GOT MY SHOVEL"
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE ...
WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light,
but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me .
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will
be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both;
the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, sixPolice Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and
an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light,
but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me .
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will
be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both;
the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, sixPolice Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and
an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
A young girl from Donegal left home to find work in the bright lights of London. She came home 6 months later and stepped out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen," said her mother, "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin an it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replied, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend was over, Colleen returned to the bright lights, but she came back to visit her mum a few months later. This time, when she stepped out of the taxi, she was wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
With the usual exchange with mum............"Won it at bingo!"
Then Colleen returned to the bright lights again. A few months later, she was back again. And this time she was sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She handed her mother £1,000 and explained that she won it all in bingo. Then she asked mum to run her a bath as she needed to freshen up.
Her mum ran the bath while Colleen got undressed but when she got to the bathroom, there was only a quarter of an inch of hot water in the bath. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her mum being so mean with the hot water after being handed £1,000, called downstairs, "Mum! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter of an inch of water in here!"
"Indeed there is, me darlin" replied her mum, "But we don't want ye gettin yer bingo card soggy now, do we?"
When the weekend was over, Colleen returned to the bright lights, but she came back to visit her mum a few months later. This time, when she stepped out of the taxi, she was wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
With the usual exchange with mum............"Won it at bingo!"
Then Colleen returned to the bright lights again. A few months later, she was back again. And this time she was sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She handed her mother £1,000 and explained that she won it all in bingo. Then she asked mum to run her a bath as she needed to freshen up.
Her mum ran the bath while Colleen got undressed but when she got to the bathroom, there was only a quarter of an inch of hot water in the bath. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her mum being so mean with the hot water after being handed £1,000, called downstairs, "Mum! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter of an inch of water in here!"
"Indeed there is, me darlin" replied her mum, "But we don't want ye gettin yer bingo card soggy now, do we?"
