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ODT Gun Show & Swap Meet - May 4, 2024! - Click here for info
After landing my new job as a Walmart Greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting trailer-trash babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." I then said, "Nice children you have there...Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone laid you twice...Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting trailer-trash babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." I then said, "Nice children you have there...Are they twins?"
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone laid you twice...Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
This is a bit long...but worth the wait..
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story? The moral is.....If you don't let a woman have her own way...Things are going to get ugly.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now... what is the moral to this story? The moral is.....If you don't let a woman have her own way...Things are going to get ugly.
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:1. .....A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Get it?
Lol
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:1. .....A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Get it?
Lol
Jack and Jill were just married....... Jack said to Jill "Try on my trousers."
Jill said, "I can't do that, they are too big."
Jack said, "Exactly, always remember I wear the trousers in this house and always will."
Jill said, "You try on my knickers."
Jack said, "I'll never get in them."
Jill said, "Exactly, and if you don't change your attitude, you never will!"
Jill said, "I can't do that, they are too big."
Jack said, "Exactly, always remember I wear the trousers in this house and always will."
Jill said, "You try on my knickers."
Jack said, "I'll never get in them."
Jill said, "Exactly, and if you don't change your attitude, you never will!"
An oldies but makes me laugh every single time because we are this!
After I was laid off my job, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target, Wal-mart, and Sam's. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
like most women - she loves to browse and touch ... everything. Yesterday my
dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Smith
Over the past six months, your husband has
caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Crawley, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in
Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on
the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told
her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This
caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from
her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management
to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried
to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could
help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security
camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the
hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store
suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he
practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over
the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut
the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper
in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
After I was laid off my job, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target, Wal-mart, and Sam's. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
like most women - she loves to browse and touch ... everything. Yesterday my
dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Smith
Over the past six months, your husband has
caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Crawley, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in
Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on
the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told
her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This
caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from
her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management
to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried
to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could
help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security
camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the
hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store
suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he
practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over
the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut
the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper
in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
I recently retired, but being a hard working man all my life I went into the Job Center in Downtown Columbus, GA, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, I went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Atlanta, GA, that's about 100 miles from here."
"Good grief" I said, "is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."
Interested, I went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Atlanta, GA, that's about 100 miles from here."
"Good grief" I said, "is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."
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