This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'M GOING TO VEGAS TOO. I WANT TO SEE YOU LIVE ON $800 A YEAR!"

 

[Megawolf]

 

[jmartinroe]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.


They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."


The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.


The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"


The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.


Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling.

We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"


The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."


“Rubbish”, replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.


There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet

and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.


Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent

antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.


"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"


The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

 

[Megawolf]

Lol, that is funny. I don't care who you are....F U N N Y!

 

[Megawolf]

 

[jmartinroe]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."


"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop."Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"


"Oh, no, no", said the old lady."You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

[Megawolf]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Why, Yes, she did."
"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you".

 

[Megawolf]

A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, what may I do for you?" the priest replied.
"Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It's unopened and over my customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through for me? Under your robes, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie," said the devout man.
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed for a woman's use, but which is, to date, unused."
The official said, "Go ahead, Father."

 

[Megawolf]

 

[Megawolf]

MURDER AT COSTCO
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out of a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Warehouse. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline was....
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco