This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty-million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off four inches. Just send the bottle back.'

 

[Megawolf]

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked at me.

She was very upset because I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself.

So I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, then the cashier told her I paid for her food.

She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

I paid for it, it was mine!

Now she has to wait even longer. She’s gonna learn today you just don't mess with us old people!

 

[Megawolf]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweler said. “It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.”

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account!’

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.”

Not All Seniors Are Senile...

 

[Megawolf]

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SH!$."

 

[Megawolf]

Last night, 3 of my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!

 

[DADI03]

What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets.


Women

 

[murphranch]

What do you call a blonde with a yeast infection that’s suffering from anorexia? A quarter pounder with cheese!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[Megawolf]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed on it.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!

 

[Megawolf]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer.

The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

 

[Megawolf]

Jean, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.
They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jean arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After
the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jean in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old T-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Jean explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford
University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq. ft. apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and then became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading investment banker in the City.
They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They now run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark, says Mary, can stand ten parrots side by side on his erect penis.

Halfway through the fourth bottle of wine and several hours later,
Jean blurts out that her husband is really only a cashier at a Tesco
supermarket, they don't live in Park Lane but in a small apartment in Bromley, and instead of a holiday home in Portugal they have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are actually both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary admits that the tenth parrot has to stand on one leg.