This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

An oldie but still fun knee


Little Johnny asks his mother her age. She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 yrs old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F in sex!"

 

[Megawolf]

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

 

[MuleShoe]

That sounds about right for a politician!

 

[Megawolf]

I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE TO THE GROUP, WHICH I LOVE SO MUCH!

MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS GROUP EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!

WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE GROUP.

SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A FEW MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER AN UBER! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK...

 

[allamericaninfidel]

I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE TO THE GROUP, WHICH I LOVE SO MUCH!

MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS GROUP EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!

WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE GROUP.

SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A FEW MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER AN UBER! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK...

My wife ran off with my best friend
& I sure do miss him

 

[Megawolf]

My wife ran off with my best friend
& I sure do miss him

Better than taking the dog!

 

[Megawolf]

A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Megawolf]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

 

[Megawolf]

 

[Megawolf]

A group of bikers saw a stunning beauty about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.
The leader walked over, and asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm committing suicide," she replied.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. "Before you jump, give me a kiss?"
She gave him a long, deep lingering french kiss.
The biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. "Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"....