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ODT Gun Show & Swap Meet - May 4, 2024! - Click here for info
that’s funny!
For his birthday, a man's wife gave him his skydiving lessons that he always wanted. On the day of his first jump, the skydiving school called his wife and said, "There has been an accident, can you come to the airport?" Frantic, the wife rushed to the airport where the school was located. When she ran inside panicked, she asked, "My husband, where is my husband?" The not so bright attendant looked up and said, "You must be of wife of the man that had the accident." "Accident" she screamed, "What accident?" The attendant took a deep breath and said, "Well ma'am, I have bad news, good news, bad news and good news." Crying and barely able to breath, the wife asked, "Please just tell me!" "Well ma'am", the attendant goes, "It seems that your husband had an accident and he fell out of the plane." In deep despair, the wife looked on and waited. The attendant goes, "But he had his parachute on when he fell out of the plane." With a slight sigh of relief, the wife looked up. Then the attendant continued, "Unfortunately, your husband was not able to open his chute before hitting the ground." The wife breaks down in tears. She was the one who gave him the lessons and now he had fallen out of the airplane and hit the ground. Sobbing, she ask, "Where is my husband now?" The attendant looks at her and say's, "He is in the infirmary getting bandaged up." "What do you mean bandaged up?" the wife asked. Oh said the attendant, the plane had not taken off yet.
Now that’s funny! Lol
An older couple was at home and the wife was just staring at herself in the mirror and just hating what she see‘s. She says “I’m getting old and have more wrinkles, I’ve gained lots of weight and just feel overall unattractive. Dont you want to compliment me honey?” Without missing a beat the husband replied “Your eyesight is dang near perfect!”
lol!
Lol. Good bye ego
Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf. Jesus tees up, hits the ball on a 3 par hole with a lake in front. The ball goes up and lands in the middle of the lake. The ball just sits there floating on the water. Jesus walks down to his ball and hits again onto the green and in the cup. Eagle!!!! Moses steps up and hits his ball. Again, is ball goes up and lands in the middle of the lake and sinks to the bottom. Moses walks down to the lake, parts the waters, hits the ball out and onto the green, and into the hold. Eagle!!!! The old man steps up and hits his ball. Again, the ball is heading for the middle of the lake. Just before the ball hits the water, a large mouth bass jumps up and swallows the ball. Before the bass lands in the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the bass in its claws. As the eagle is flying over the green, a bolt of lighting flashes, thunder rolls, and the eagle is scared and drops the bass onto the green. As the bass hits the green, the ball pops out of its mouth rolls to the edge of the cup and as it is about to stop, a gust of wind blows and the ball drops into the hole. Hole in One!!!! Jesus turns around and says to the old man, "Dad, quit showing off!"
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
