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This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old bas****, she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."
 
Yep...



Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
 
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An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked.

"Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked "Is that one word or two?"
 
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast in Australia when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld.
 
Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a ****ty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your butt and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
 
Longest Nerve In The Body

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a ****ty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your butt and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
Must be the same nerve that connects to the nose hairs.
 
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