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This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.


Now that's funny - arrive on time
 
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.
 
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.




"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
 
The Longest Password.....

During a recent password audit by Google, it was discovered that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyNashville"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and
said: "Hello! It has to be at least eight characters long and include a minimum of one capital!"
 
Cowboy comes across an Indian on the range.

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief!)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of TOTAL amazement!!)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."
 
Kids tell about their Christmas


The Teacher Miss Jones, asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Nathaniel Finkelstein, what do you do at Christmas?

Nathanael said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas.
 
The therapist was speaking to 4 women in group counseling.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,
"Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy at school and go get dinner!"
 
Guido the Italian Lover



A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.



Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.



After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"



She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."



Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.



This time she thrashed about wildly and there was passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"



Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him softly says, "No."



Stunned, but ****** if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.



Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked her once again, "You finish?"



Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,"No, I'm Norwegian."
 
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