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This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
 
Some police officers were driving through a residential neighborhood at about 1:30 in the morning when they observed an elderly gentleman walking down the street, weaving fairly impressively. They stopped to check on him. They asked if he was all right and he replied that yes, he was just fine. They could smell the alcohol on his breath from 20 feet. They asked where he was going and he replied, "I'm going to attend a lecture." The police officer asked who would be giving a lecture at this time of the morning and he replied, "My wife."
 
Holidays are here and the 6th grade teacher doesn't know what to do with the class on the last day. It's about one before the final bell. She comes us up with a little game for the 6th graders. She'll state a well known comment from a famous person and the first to name the famous person gets to go home early.

Little Johnny is all excited. He knows that he's the smartest person in the class and he'll get the first answer and go home early.

So, the teacher says, class tell me who said "Four score and seven years ago...." before she could finish, little Sarah shout out, "Abraham Lincoln". Very good Sarah, you can go home.... Have a nice holiday.

Little Johnny is upset. In his mind she should not have been given the point since she didn't raise her hand. But, the next one is his.
Next, the teacher asks, class tell me who said, "I have a dream.." again before she could finish and before Johnny could get a breath, little Nancy shouts out, "Martin Luther King."
Very good Nancy. You can go home. Have a nice holiday.

Johnny is really upset now. He's fuming and doesn't like these girls getting the best of him. The next one is his, no doubt about it. The teacher turns back to the class and asks, tell me, who said "Ask not what...." Again, before she could finish, and just when Johnny was starting to yell out the name, little Emily shout out, "John Kennedy." Very good Emily, you can go home now. Have a happy holiday.

While the teacher was saying goodbye to Emily, Johnny was ready to burst!! He couldn't stand it anymore. He pounds his fists on the desk and yells out, "I WISH ALL THESE ******* WOULD KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT!!!"

Startled, the teacher turns to the class and demands, "WHO SAID THAT??!!"

Quckly, Johnny stands up and says, "Herman Cain! Can I go home now???"
 
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow.."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
 
Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

--------------------
Whoever said an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.

--------------------------

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.

----------------------------

How do you get a sweet little old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little old lady to yell *BINGO*!

-----------------------------

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge pool and throw them fish?

---------------------------
Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
 
Q: How many internet forum subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 678:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
156 to write to the forum administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this forum.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this forum which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
12 to post to the forum that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
 
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