This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!

 

[Megawolf]

wifes........An elderly couple Margaret and Bert moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. “Nope!” Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied ’IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

 

[kimchee45]

.

Irish Nuns ...

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

“Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunk’s !

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary “

“I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pizz off, ya

freakin little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off !"


Sister Mary Immaculalta then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother
Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough ?”


.

 

[Discollector]

My grandfather came back from the Social Security office one day and my grandmother asks him how he did.

He says, "well when I got there and they called my name, I went up to talk to this lady and she asked for my ID. I fished around in my pocket and it dawned on me I left my wallet at home. So the lady tells me to unbutton my shirt a couple buttons, which I did. She saw all that gray hair and said I looked old enough to get Social Security so she processed my application."

My grandmother smiled and told my grandfather, "You should've dropped your pants too. You could have gotten disability."

 

[Discollector]

A priest from England gets into a U.S. town a little early for a meeting and he takes a stroll in a nearby park in his street clothes. A hooker approaches him and says "Quickie for fifty bucks."

Not understanding the slang, the priest ignores the hooker and moves on. Later that evening he pulls one of the nuns off to the side and asks, "Sister, what's a quickie? The nun replied, "Fifty bucks, same as in town."

 

[Megawolf]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

 

[Megawolf]

More Oldies But Goodies
Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.
Carly Simon "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

 

[Megawolf]

The wrath of woman
Jim left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying and playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, the old geezer was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” He replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[Megawolf]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[Megawolf]

After his retirement, Winston Churchill was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” - said Churchill.

“First their cuisine is unsurpassed.
Second their service is superb.
And then, in case of an emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first."