This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Four old timers were shooting their weekly range wars, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the gun range, meet his buddies and shoot a few rounds.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority;figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the gun range.

The first guy says, "Boy this range cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this range war. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a
great morning -- intercourse or range time? -'****

**** She said, "Don't forget your speedloader."****

 

[Megawolf]

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their hand guns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido,I wan' you lissin ame. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated..38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa,I really don't like guns..How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissin ame, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots a money ,a big-a home and maybe a couple,of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anotherr man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Point at you watch and say ,'times up'"?

 

[Megawolf]

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied ...

“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

 

[Megawolf]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store in a local shopping center last Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at $120,000' the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'Okay, we'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. Now, I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know, said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

 

[Megawolf]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh,' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'

 

[kimchee45]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) 'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, 'Who was that?'
'Oh,' she replies, 'That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.'

OMG !
2 Hanky Panky people.

.

 

[Megawolf]

RELIGIOUS GOLF

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

“There’s bad news?" asked the Pope.



“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

 

[Megawolf]

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."

 

[Megawolf]

corny as heck......


Another Government Study
When Canadian road workers found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Toronto and Hamilton, there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
So the government had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu, much to everyone's relief.
However, he was surprised that his detailed study determined that 98 percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, but only 2 percent were killed by car impact.
The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the reason behind the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set up a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn "Cah", but he could not say "Truck".

 

[Megawolf]

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll
followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and
said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'