This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "wait here, I'll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone.

“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."


<67>

 

[Megawolf]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

 

[Megawolf]

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. "

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses,

and, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

 

[Megawolf]

Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'


Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'


'Jail!' cried Fred. What in the world for?'


'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'


'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?


'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.


'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 

[Megawolf]

TEXAS MAN!!!

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to
die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel
like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare. Eyes riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.

Then a man from TEXAS stands up in the rear of the plane. He is
handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts
to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...

He whispers...

"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

 

[Megawolf]

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it. About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"


The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"

 

[Megawolf]

This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt , Libya , and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America 's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents.

It's gonna get ugly, people.

 

[Megawolf]

Why some old guys don’t do well at the Job Interview

Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness.
"


Old Man : "I don't really give a flip what you think."

 

[Megawolf]

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous?

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?










WIFE: "In the pool"

 

[Megawolf]

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Kathleen, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Kathleen replied, "Well Gerry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."
Gerry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Kathleen said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Gerry recalled the visit to the banker and said," I can forgive you for that because you saved our home, but what about the second time?"
"Do you remember when you were seriously ill but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," says Gerry". And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Kathleen said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 93 more votes?"