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This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 22 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add-on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a t-shirt underneath reading "...from my cold dead hands" that way nobody can see what I'm packing. I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry.

Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was ready for anything.

I drove my bug-out truck to the 7-11 for some beer, 'cause you never know. It is a performance styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

As I pull up to the 7-11 I notice a shifty looking girl scout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV; a likely cover.

The mother returned to the truck and pretended to go for some keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of "Billy Bob Combat & Tactical Training Exercise Classes" (www.billybobctte.org) which honed my instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

I jumped from the truck and attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make look like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911 which is good because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun went off, the bullet missed but the explosion in my pants started a fire...I could smell burnt hair. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 10mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. That’s when I noticed the Girl Scout shouting something to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my custom trusty 1911 WILSON COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that. I then tried to duck walk to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda’ got in the way and I fell back, landing hard, which caused me to swallow my 10mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster so I attempted a mid air conversion and just threw myself into a telephone pole, but I landed on right side anyway. Then I fired one shot towards the woman’s SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, I had the advantage of surprise now. As she ran screaming for the Girl Scout (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRAT tactical truck. I jumped into the driver seat and forgot that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR15 Bayonet on the seat honed to a razors edge. I could handle it though; half my behind is an implant from war wounds.

As I attempted to start my truck police and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to taser me, at which point I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window but I still had my Centennial .38. I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse.

So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest, fortunately I was wearing my level 3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background but I knew it was a ruse.

I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys", he continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I lay it down; I still had my bayonet embedded in my *** after all. The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunately my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the taser cords easily, it only cost me one nipple, easily replaced.

I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch, unfortunately the bayonet sticking out of my *** slowed me down, I knew it would have to be hand to hand now. I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw he merely carried a 9mm Glock 17 which is not a real man’s gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle. I knew that from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but without hurting him.

Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side stepped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my bench-made auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit.

Next thing those cops knew I was unconscious. That'll teach 'em.
 
A lawyer, a doctor, and a preacher went hunting together. When a prize buck ran past them, they all fired at the exact same moment and the buck dropped.


However, there was only one bullet hole, and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration center, not knowing who should tag it.


The agent said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."


He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this buck!"


Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down, he pointed out the wound. "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."

<72>
 
Things to Do on an Elevator to Help You Win Friends
  • Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up; all of you, just shut up!"
  • Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" over and over and over...
  • Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peeking inside ask,"Got enough air in there?"
  • Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upsidedown.
  • Stand in the corner facing the wall, don't speak or look around, and don't get off for a couple trips.
  • When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  • Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
  • Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks!"
  • Meow occasionally. Especially if someone looks your way.
  • Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  • Walk on with a cooler that says "HUMAN HEAD inside".
  • Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of them!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  • Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
  • When the elevator is silent, look around and ask,"Is that your beeper?"
  • Say "DING!" at each floor.
  • Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  • Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  • Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
  • Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable hostbody."
  • Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  • Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
  • Ask someone, "Did that sound like a 'twang' to you?" just after the doors close.
 
I am over 50 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ***-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.


For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.


Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..


An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the ****. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.


Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.


Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.


HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Good Night!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
 
There may be need to upgrade to Wife 2.0 soon.

Last year I upgraded from GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications. I am also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, although other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. I am finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:
  • A "Don't remind me again" button.
  • Minimize button.
  • An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
  • An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode, which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
A friend of mine decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, he found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that he should have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
 
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my Dear," replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream truck hadn't come along."

<1417>
 
New Math?
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
 
There may be need to upgrade to Wife 2.0 soon.

Last year I upgraded from GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications. I am also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, although other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. I am finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:
  • A "Don't remind me again" button.
  • Minimize button.
  • An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
  • An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode, which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
A friend of mine decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, he found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that he should have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
Caution, Girlfriend 2.0 has the same bug as Mistress 1.1. So don't try to install over Wife 1.0.
Also, upgrading to Wife 2.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0 can result in legal problems in most states.
 
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