This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Lefty woke up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.
He looked in the phone book and found a gorilla removal service.
When he asked if they could remove the gorilla, the service man asked if it was male or female.
"Male", Lefty replied.
"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right over" said the man.
An hour later, the service man arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun and a pair of handcuffs. After surveying the situation, he said to Lefty, "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicles off. The gorilla will cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him".
"Fine", Lefty replied, "but what do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy said, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua!!"

 

[Megawolf]

Paddy crashed his helicopter and the flight instructor says " what happened Paddy?" Paddy says "well sir I took it up a 1000 feet and everything was OK so I took it up another 1000 feet and it got a bit cold so I switched off the fan"

 

[Megawolf]

Blonde joke anyone?


A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And, ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh, that!", replies the blonde, "I was just running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'

 

[Megawolf]

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
I beg to differ because there is. When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE" And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"! And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... "COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!

 

[Megawolf]

The teacher asks little Carlo if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he says. "My papa taught me." "Can you tell me what comes after three?" "Four," answers little Carlo. "What comes after six?" "Seven," answers little Carlo. "Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," answers little Carlo.

 

[Megawolf]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

 

[Megawolf]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Birdwouldn't die
Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!\
.
Everyone knows.........................
..............You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

 

[Megawolf]

 

[Megawolf]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?

 

[huntsmen]

Just a little bee joke here,
question: how do you scare a bee ?
Answer: boooo-beeee.