This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. 'HEBREWS'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.


'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

[Megawolf]

Now you know the real reason we will never understand liberals

A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his liberal assistant Ole.

"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, How was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:

'HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!'"

"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!" said Ole

 

[Megawolf]

No Rhyme or Reason...
This girl had dated this fellow for a short while and one day she wanted to let him know of her prowess in the poem writing business. Her's goes as follows:::Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong...One who loves to listen long....One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks...I pray he's rich and self employed and when I spend won't be annoyed...Pull out my chair and hold my hand...Massage my feet and help me stand....Oh send me a king to make me queen...A man who loves to cook and clean....I pray this man will love no other...And cherish visits with my mother. She then asked her fellow to pen a poem of his own. It went like this...I pray for a deaf mute gymnastic nymphomaniac with large breast who owns a bar on a golf course and loves to send my fishing and drinking with my buddies. I know this doesn't rhyme, but I don't really give a Hoot!!!

 

[Megawolf]

Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol ... Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead .

Fourth worm in good clean soil ... Alive…

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"



Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!

 

[Megawolf]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"

 

[Megawolf]

A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on US 301 about 2 miles south of the Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Emporia. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
<1541>

 

[Megawolf]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the
bells.
Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing
the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up
on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election; you can’t always hear the bells.

 

[Megawolf]

Forget all that b s about defeating the French at the Battle of Puebla, the TRUE story about the origin of celebration of Cinco de Mayo goes like this: In the Fall of 1915, when feathers had been considerably ruffled all over Mexico because of General Pershing’s chase of Pancho Villa all around the countryside, President Wilson invited Mexican President Carranza to Washington for the purpose of some fence-mending. At an official state dinner honoring Carranza, one of the dishes served was a lettuce salad dressed with Hellman’s Mayonaise. Carranza was so smitten with the dish that he had an aide contact the company and ordered a whole shipload of Hellman’s to be shipped to Mexico City. A few weeks later a ship embarked from port of New Orleans bound for Vera Cruz. A storm arose in the Gulf of Mexico and the ship went down with all on board and all the precious cargo. The port director in Vera Cruz, whose duty it was to inform Carranza of the bad news, sent the President a three-word telegram: “Sinko de mayo.

 

[Megawolf]

THE TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a..hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

<1576>

 

[Megawolf]

A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”
The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra.
She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, pulls on her shirt and walks out.
The two men at the table look at each other. One asks the other, “So what did she roll?”
The other man says, “I thought you where watching?”
Sometimes blondes do have more fun!