This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

One day, farmer Williams was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped at the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey thanks!" the farmer said and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Township Road?"
The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Township Road. Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley; we'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens...."

 

[Megawolf]

Criminqls in California have a hard time

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1314938868631637&id=100003466088248

 

[Megawolf]

 

[Megawolf]

After a delicious dinner and a few drinks the wife leads husband into the bedroom. With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied
"Go look in the garage,"

 

[Megawolf]

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED-THIS IS REALLY FUNNY
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends,...... but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreledshot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

 

[Megawolf]

Three friends married Educated women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from New York who was a graduate of Columbia University. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....

The second man married a woman from California who was a graduate of the University of Southern California. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas who was a graduate of Texas A & M and also has a Concealed Carry License for handguns. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

[Megawolf]

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John. I renamed it Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

 

[Megawolf]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[Megawolf]

A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK) is currently going around.

If you come into contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center to take one of the following antidotes:
1-"Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract: (WINE)
2-"Radioactive UnWork Medicine" (RUM)
3-"Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter" (BEER)
4-"Vaccine Official Depression Killing Agent" (VODKS.

Please raise awareness and help stop the spread of this deadly virus..

 

[Megawolf]

TOP CARE FOR THE ELDERLY
A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital
"How are you grandpa?" He asks
"Feeling fine" says the old man
What's the food like?
"Terrific, wonderful menus"
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".
"The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".