This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked fr $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

 

[Megawolf]

When you’re from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

"No, they went to town.”

"How about your brother, Howard, Is he here?”

"No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

"Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

 

[Megawolf]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little beast. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass****, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

 

[Megawolf]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of "it", that it takes all morning."

 

[Megawolf]

This works for blondes too....just sayin.....
Irish Story
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya dig-a-berry idiot!"

 

[Megawolf]

Stupid but blonde.....

One year, my mom went to my sister's house for the family annual feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it. When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, took a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey...then re-stuffed the turkey with the dressing and placed the bird(s) back into the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Shirley, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yes, she's a blonde

 

[Megawolf]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed Dad was fixated on the teenager sitting next to him... couldn't seem to stop
staring!

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, purple and blue.

My dad kept staring at him, even though the teenager caught him doing it every single time.

Finally, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man??? Never done anything wild in your
life?

Knowing my Dad's sense of humor, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response.

Dad didn't disappoint, didn't bat an eye and promptly responded, “Got drunk once...and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son!"

 

[Megawolf]

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

 

[Megawolf]

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and, both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to go into a small room and take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I".

<1607>

 

[Megawolf]

When I graduated High School....I mistakenly thought that 99% of students got a HS diploma. When I moved to Louisiana in the 80's, they had big billboards across the whole state proudly proclaiming that 43% of all students graduated high school. I thought that was very odd. What kind of jobs could the drop outs get, and I always wondered what they did with their lives. Now I know what they did. They joined Facebook.