This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Sad to say I am old enough to get it...and corny enough....


A man goes to the Doctor, complaining that he has a constant pain on the side of his face. He also explains that he has another, stranger problem. "Doc, whenever I pass gas, you'd swear it was saying 'Honda'". "Hmmm, do you think you could show me what you mean?", asked the Doctor. "I think so", said the man, and he squinted and strained until, clear as a bell, came the word "Honda". The Doc strokes his chin for a moment. "Interesting. I'll have to read up on that one. Until then, you'll need to see your dentist about the pain in your face. I suspect it has something to do with your teeth." So, the man goes to the dentist to get checked out. After the X-rays, the man mentions his other problem, since it had been on his mind. The dentist exclaims "Oh, well here's the problem! You have an abcess... and as everyone knows, abcess makes the fart go Honda."

 

[Megawolf]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish You were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman, walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old Woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman? Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade.

 

[Megawolf]

Poor Fred....MISSING HUSBAND


Fred was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE”!!'
The next morning Fred got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and Sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Fred has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

 

[Megawolf]

Why we love children...

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.” “And why not darling?” “Daddy, you know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

 

[Megawolf]

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."

 

[Megawolf]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, and placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his privates. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

<82>

 

[billyb4u64]

Funny sad not funny haha....

NFL HISTORY OF HYPOCRISY

Consider the following:

• In 2012 the NFL had an issue with Tim Tebow kneeling for each game to pray, they also had an issue with Tebow wearing John 3:16 as part of his blackout to avoid glare and made him take it off.

• In 2013 the NFL fined Brandon Marshall for wearing green cleats to raise awareness for people with mental health disorders.

• In 2014 Robert Griffin III (RG3) entered a post-game press conference wearing a shirt that said “Know Jesus Know Peace" but was forced to turn it inside out by an NFL
uniform inspector before speaking at the podium.

• In 2015 DeAngelo Williams was fined for wearing “Find the Cure" eye black for breast cancer awareness.

• In 2015 William Gay was fined for wearing purple cleats to raise awareness for domestic violence. (not that the NFL has a domestic violence problem…)

• In 2016 the NFL prevented the Dallas Cowboys from wearing a decal on their helmet in honor of 5 Dallas Police officers killed in the line of duty.

• In 2016 the NFL threatened to fine players who wanted to wear cleats to commemorate the 15th anniversary of 9/11.

So tell me again how the NFL supports free speech and expression all of a sudden!

They name roads after them
( ONE WAY )

Sent from my LGMS550 using Tapatalk

 

[Megawolf]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it....
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!

 

[Marietta tony]

Thanks for this thread, I was on a couple group texts and copied and pasted the right ones and guess what? Taken off. Love them all.

 

[Megawolf]

I love statistics and research studies......have you ever walked into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
It's not aging, it's the door!

Thank goodness for studies like this.