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This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

similar theme....

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed."

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down.

So he drove out to Farmer John's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.




'NUDIST COLONY'..........'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'
 
just 'cause....

THE DEBT CEILING

I love it when a complicated situation can be explained in such simple terms!
THE DEBT CEILING
Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING
Conservatives don't understand THE DEBT CEILING

NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING


SO -
Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in
your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do -- raise the ceiling or pump out the crap?
Your choice is coming in November.
 
same theme again......food......yes, I'm hungry right now

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny.! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do "his mother insisted."We always say a prayer before eating at our house.!"

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.!"

<1645>
 
His name was Bubba, he was from Texas and he needed a loan. So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold he car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are distinguished alumni from Texas A & M University , a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas and other parts of the western U.S.. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
 
Still liking blonde jokes then you will love this one.....It's the power of Believing in One's Friends

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only
the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does
not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up
her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is
C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer
except the one that her friend had given her. Considering her friend was
a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend
had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied, 'That answer is…. Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the correct answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted...........................
 
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.He protested, but she said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... naturally, (since he was her husband.)
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of
a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....
 
and speaking of blonde jokes....It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Erin, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Erin smiles, "I'm going hunting with you! The kids are with their granddad."
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides, to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of Malta, Montana.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.
He walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Erin couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Erin screaming, "Get the **** away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife,and again he hears her yell, "Get the **** away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Montana game warden with his hands high in the air.
The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

<1662>
 
Say it with a German Accent....


Sven and Ole worked together in a Nordern Visconsin factory….and both were laid off. So...dey went to the Unemployment Office... Togedder. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher.. I sew DA elastic onto DA ladies cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation.
Sven, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter".
The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter...and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.
When Ole found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
"Vat skill? Yelled Ole. "I sew DA elastic on DA panties. Sven puts dem over his head and says, "Yah, ------------- DIESEL FITTER".
 
A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning.
As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.
Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.
The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."
The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."
The lawyer says, "No problem."
He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
"My Goodness," says the priest. "It is a miracle!"
The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"
 
Q: How do you trap a polar bear?
A: You cut a hole in the ice. Line it with peas. When the bear bends over to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole
 
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