This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

 

[Megawolf]

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down

And squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

...... But all men...are men!

 

[Megawolf]

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break so, I drank all the Jack before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

 

[Megawolf]

Police: You were going fast.
Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Police: There isn't any.
Me: I know, that's how far behind I am.

 

[Megawolf]

Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman!!"
Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared. He died at the ripe old age of 98.
After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
She replied, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."

 

[Megawolf]

Word Definitions
1. ARBITRATOR ... A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
2. BERNADETTE ... The act of torching a mortgage
3. BURGLARIZE ... What a crook sees through
4. AVOIDABLE ... What a bullfighter tries to do
5. EYEDROPPER ... Clumsy Ophthalmologist
6. CONTROL ... A short, ugly inmate
7. COUNTERFEITER ... Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
8. ECLIPSE ... What an English barber does for a living
9. LEFT BANK ... What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money
10. HEROES ... What a man in a boat does
11. PARASITES ... What you see from the Eiffel Tower
12. PARADOX ... Two physicians
13. PHARMACIST ... A helper on a farm
14. POLARIZE ... What penguins see through
15. PRIMATE ... Remove your spouse from in front of TV
16. RELIEF ... What trees do in the spring
17. RUBBERNECK ... What you do to relax your wife
18. SELFISH ... What the owner of a seafood store does
19. SUDAFED ... Brought litigation against a government official

 

[Megawolf]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

 

[Megawolf]

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him.
The big guy says, “What’s wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me….. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around!

 

[Megawolf]

A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it's coming from. She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, "Ludwig van Beethoven." Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward.
Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.
Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.
By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.








"Oh, it's nothing to worry about," says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing."

 

[Megawolf]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"