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This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

One liners did you say?

I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but then I turned myself around.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

I child proofed our house... but the kids still get in.

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

The past, present and future walk into a bar... it was tense.

Ants are healthy because they have antibodies.


Some thoughts from my curing buddies....

I got swine flu, so went to the hospital. I came out with bacon flu, they cured me!

Whats the difference between swine flu and bird flu? One requires tweetment.... The other oinkment.

What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog? One is assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt.
 
Are you there.......yet?


A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
 
21 OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD PUNS . . .


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2.. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his
arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?”

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
"Is it common?”
"Well, It's Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
"I don't believe you," says Dolly..
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...And pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.’
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.’
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ..A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.
The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
Careful What You Wish For
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.
"And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
 
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