This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[jmartinroe]

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southend and Basildon, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Ford every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to

guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, '**** him'.

 

[Megawolf]

The calif D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on on Calif hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

 

[Megawolf]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

 

[Megawolf]

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up."
Nobody stood up.
"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."
One elderly gentleman stood up.
"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked, somewhat amazed.
"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

 

[Megawolf]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs..”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. Don’t know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

 

[jmartinroe]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected.

(Winston Churchill used them often )




1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.


3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.


6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.


7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered, "a doctor."


11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.


14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


17. I'm supposed to respect my elders but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

 

[Megawolf]

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on...So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When the angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...' God was not pleased.
So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.


Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

 

[Megawolf]

That there is funny! I dont care who you are!

 

[Megawolf]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f*** did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??
What would your spouse say??!!!

 

[Megawolf]

This one made me show the wife......she laughed harder thsn i did.


A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife,
size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish Bra,
and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many
requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want
the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the
differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic
bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen,
and the Protestant bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the
Jewish type for?"
"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."