This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

When you hit the Hump day madness...


Happy Birthday!!!!!
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony...YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED 30! We had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50...and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

 

[jmartinroe]

View attachment 1610727

That there is funny! I dont care who you are!View attachment 1610727

No It isn't funny, look there is nothing after 50 and I can contest to that.

 

[Megawolf]

When even a smart blonde is still a blonde


Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning,
though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, " I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

 

[BDR1]

When even a smart blonde is still a blonde


Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning,
though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, " I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

That's not exactly right...I think she is a georgee graduate

 

[aFarewellToKings]

That's not exactly right...I think she is a georgee graduate

georgee teque

 

[Megawolf]

8m using this for my buddys birthday card....


An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.
He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said, "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"
"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think, if you were alive today, you'd be 92."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Y'ALL!!!!

 

[Megawolf]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St.. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:... 'Run, Forrest, run!'

 

[DADI03]

Here's a joke that I heard a while back. I am going to butcher it so you'll have to fill in some blanks I'm sure, but I will do my best.

Two Irish men had a bad week and wanted to get drunk Friday night. The problem was that they only had 2 dollars to there name combined. One of them looked at the other and said I have an idea. He takes the money and says I'll be back in a few. He comes back with a sausage. The other guy was pissed, now we can't drink anything. He said just follow my lead, we will get drunk off of bets. He sticks the sausage down into his pants. They go into the first bar and bet the bar tender that he would (fill in the blank) for some beer. The bar tender took him up on the bet, his buddy pulls out the sausage and he goes for it. The bar tender pays up. They went from bar to bar doing this. This went on for most of the night and they are getting plastered. The one doing the deed said I'm getting tired of this how about we switch. He said your getting tired, how do you think I feel? I lost the sausage hours ago.

 

[Rick Terscale]

A rope walks into a bar...
The bartender says to the rope that we don't serve your kind here and you need to leave...
So the rope leaves, puts on a hat, a pair of glasses, a jacket and pants. He walks back into the bar...
The bartender recognizes him still, and tosses him out on his ass.....
The Rope ties himself in a knot and frays his ends. He heads back to the bar......
This time he makes it back to a bar stool......
The bartender is suspicious, but not quite sure what to say......
So the bartender simply asks "aren't you that damn rope?!........
The Rope simply replies "I'm afraid not"

 

[aFarewellToKings]

A rope walks into a bar...
The bartender says to the rope that we don't serve your kind here and you need to leave...
So the rope leaves, puts on a hat, a pair of glasses, a jacket and pants. He walks back into the bar...
The bartender recognizes him still, and tosses him out on his ass.....
The Rope ties himself in a knot and frays his ends. He heads back to the bar......
This time he makes it back to a bar stool......
The bartender is suspicious, but not quite sure what to say......
So the bartender simply asks "aren't you that damn rope?!........
The Rope simply replies "I'm afraid not"

I'm 'fraid 'not.