This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

A mild mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem. The doctor gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which he read on the way home.
When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him, he told her, "From now on I'm the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table.
"Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath.
"When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker," she replied, with a sweet smile!!

 

[Megawolf]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but MY son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2," hard-bodied, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "'Oh my God . . ..'"

 

[Megawolf]

Old married couple....from a womans perspective.....I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

 

[jmartinroe]

 

[Megawolf]

Joan was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Joan was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Joan fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Joan sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Joan dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Joan neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Joan, 'Not that Damn BreathalyserTest again.!!!'

 

[Megawolf]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or ****, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and ****, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

 

[Megawolf]

3 extremely drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

 

[Megawolf]

thinking deep thoughts here.....Zen sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments .

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.


22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips
are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
butt. Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it
too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday ... around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

[Megawolf]

I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a new bookstore named, “The Alternative”
The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in an “Alternative” bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the hippie-looking clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me.
I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding illegal aliens?"
The clerk said, "Kiss my behind (cleaned up the ODT), get out, and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

 

[Megawolf]

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my guns.