This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but then I turned myself around.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

I child proofed our house... but the kids still get in.

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

The past, present and future walk into a bar... it was tense.

Ants are healthy because they have antibodies.

 

[Megawolf]

Jesus had a Plymouth

He drove Adam and Eve out of the garden of eden in his Fury. But the disciples had a Honda. A crowded four door. Acts 2:1 KJV And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all in one accord.

 

[Megawolf]

Have you ever listened to someone talk and think, "Who ties your shoelaces for you?"

Nurse came in and said, "Doc, there's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?"

Doc answers, "Tell him I can't see him today."

 

[Megawolf]

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"
"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

 

[Megawolf]

A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.

 

[jmartinroe]

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

 

[Megawolf]

My wife...

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Georgie grinned...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote it down:
ID10T
(She used to like Georgie, the little ****head!)

 

[Megawolf]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

 

[Megawolf]

One day an old poodle starts chasing butterflies in the African bush and before long,
he discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of
having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as
the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,
that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more
around here"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a
look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," Says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly
had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the
old poodle sees Him heading after the leopard with great speed,
and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up
with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, Monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving Canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close
enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I
sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story...Don't mess with old farts...age and
treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience!!..

 

[Megawolf]

In Church there is a family that has recently been baptized. After a month of being new members the Bishop calls them in separately to see how they are doing. During an interview with the father, the bishop asks,
"Will you give a talk next Sunday in Church?"
The new convert replies, "Sure, but what would you like me to give my talk on?"
"On anything you feel that would be beneficial to the congregation, like past experiences and such that have changed your life in a positive way."
So he goes home and immediately starts thinking about what he would like to speak on. One night as he is working on his talk his wife comes up to him and asks,
"So honey, what are you going to give your talk on?"
"Well, after much thought, I have decided to give a talk on water skiing."
"Water skiing! What? This is Church we are talking about; you cant give a talk on water skiing. It would be indecent!"
"The Bishop said I can give a talk on anything I wanted to and I want to give it on water skiing!"
Her husband is known to be a big joker so she shrugs it off not worrying about it for the time being. As Sunday comes though, she starts to get nervous and cant take it any longer. When they arrive at the church parking lot she says to him,
"Alright sweetheart, the jokes over. What are you really going to give your talk on?"
"I was being serious; I really am going to give a talk on water skiing!"
His wife responds, "Well, if thats the way you are going to be, me and the kids do not want to be embarrassed by this, so we will wait out here in the car while you give your talk!"
"Fine, be that way!" He replies.
So he goes into Church while his family stays in the car. As he sits down and waits for his turn to speak, he thinks it over and realizes that his wife is probably right. Talking about water skiing in Church? What was I thinking?!! So he goes to his back up plan. He gives a talk on adultery. After he gives his talk and the session ends he goes back to the parking lot to get his wife and kids and to apologize for the way he acted. But before he could say anything to them the Bishop comes up and turns to his wife and remarks,
"Your husband gave one of the best talks in Church. I mean there wasn't even a dry eye in the room after he finished!"
The wife stared at the Bishop incredulously and said,
"You must be joking! Hes only done it twice. Once with my mother and once with my sister and couldn't get up either time!!"