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Ran across some momma jokes....
I could have been your daddy -- but yo mama didn't have change for a dollar!
Yo Momma smells so bad, when she puts on Speed Stick it slows down and comes to a stop.
Yo Momma is so fat, the back of her neck looks like a package of hot dogs
Yo momma is so fat, on Halloween she put on a green dress and went as Vermont.
Yo Momma so bald, when she wears a turtleneck, she looks like a busted condom.
I could have been your daddy -- but yo mama didn't have change for a dollar!
Yo Momma smells so bad, when she puts on Speed Stick it slows down and comes to a stop.
Yo Momma is so fat, the back of her neck looks like a package of hot dogs
Yo momma is so fat, on Halloween she put on a green dress and went as Vermont.
Yo Momma so bald, when she wears a turtleneck, she looks like a busted condom.
Does she swallow?
olice: Woman bites man after being called fat
LINCOLN, Neb. – Police say a 24-year-old man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn't like being called "fat." Police spokeswoman Katie Flood said officers were called to a Lincoln hospital around 3:25 a.m. Wednesday to talk to the injured man.
He told them that he'd been bitten at a party.
Flood said officers later learned that the injured man and two others had been arguing with other people at the birthday party. Flood says the man told 21-year-old Anna Godfrey that she was fat.
Officers said Godfrey then tackled the man and took a bite.
Flood said the ear chunk was not found.
Godfrey was arrested on suspicion of felony assault and remained in custody Wednesday. Case records don't yet list her attorney's name.
olice: Woman bites man after being called fat
LINCOLN, Neb. – Police say a 24-year-old man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn't like being called "fat." Police spokeswoman Katie Flood said officers were called to a Lincoln hospital around 3:25 a.m. Wednesday to talk to the injured man.
He told them that he'd been bitten at a party.
Flood said officers later learned that the injured man and two others had been arguing with other people at the birthday party. Flood says the man told 21-year-old Anna Godfrey that she was fat.
Officers said Godfrey then tackled the man and took a bite.
Flood said the ear chunk was not found.
Godfrey was arrested on suspicion of felony assault and remained in custody Wednesday. Case records don't yet list her attorney's name.
Jones is a big hunter and has bagged just about every game in the world.
After many years, he realizes that he hasn't ever hunted ape, so he signs himself up for a safari hunting tour in the forests of Africa.
His guide is Ugatu, and he has been hunting ape for many years. He tells Jones the strategy for hunting ape: They'll walk through the forest and when he sees an ape, he'll point up in the tree and shout ape, ape! Then he'll run up the tree and knock the ape down on the ground, then his dog will pin the ape with by biting his cojones so Jones can shoot the ape.
So they continue through the woods for many hours, Ugatu pointing to trees, shouting "Ape, Ape!", climbing up in the tree, punching the ape in the face so that the ape falls. Then his dog would grab the ape by the cojones and keep him from moving so that Jones can shoot him.
They've got three apes this way when Ugatu spies an extremely large ape up in a tree. Sure enough, he points up to the ape, shouts, "ape, ape!" and runs up the tree. He gets up to the ape, and punches the ape right in the face. Unfortunately, the ape swings right back and punches Ugatu back in the face. Ugatu loses his balance and as he falls shouts:
"Shoot the doooooooog!"
After many years, he realizes that he hasn't ever hunted ape, so he signs himself up for a safari hunting tour in the forests of Africa.
His guide is Ugatu, and he has been hunting ape for many years. He tells Jones the strategy for hunting ape: They'll walk through the forest and when he sees an ape, he'll point up in the tree and shout ape, ape! Then he'll run up the tree and knock the ape down on the ground, then his dog will pin the ape with by biting his cojones so Jones can shoot the ape.
So they continue through the woods for many hours, Ugatu pointing to trees, shouting "Ape, Ape!", climbing up in the tree, punching the ape in the face so that the ape falls. Then his dog would grab the ape by the cojones and keep him from moving so that Jones can shoot him.
They've got three apes this way when Ugatu spies an extremely large ape up in a tree. Sure enough, he points up to the ape, shouts, "ape, ape!" and runs up the tree. He gets up to the ape, and punches the ape right in the face. Unfortunately, the ape swings right back and punches Ugatu back in the face. Ugatu loses his balance and as he falls shouts:
"Shoot the doooooooog!"
Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the back streets of Rome.
The young nun says to the older one, "Sister, I've never come this way before!".
The older nun says, "It's the cobblestones, Dear".
The young nun says to the older one, "Sister, I've never come this way before!".
The older nun says, "It's the cobblestones, Dear".
A woman is in line at the grocery store with 30 gallons of milk. The clerk asks her why she's buying so much milk.
"I have bad skin and my dermatologist recommended I bathe in milk once a week to help my condition" she replied.
The clerk queried "Pasteurized?"
"No, just up to my boobs."
"I have bad skin and my dermatologist recommended I bathe in milk once a week to help my condition" she replied.
The clerk queried "Pasteurized?"
"No, just up to my boobs."
Are you a Apple or MS guy?
A helicopter pilot was cruising around Seattle when he lost track of where he was in the dense fog that enveloped the area. He would have to land soon due to fuel constraints, so he scribbled a clear sign that said "Where am I?" and held it against the cockpit window as he hovered near a large building with an observation deck. The people standing on top of the building waved and started writing out their own sign. They held it up so the pilot can see and squinting, the pilot made out the response "You're in a helicopter".
The pilot shook his head for a moment, then smiled and headed off to the nearest airport. His passenger was amazed.
"How could you know where to go based on what that guy told you?" he asked.
The pilot replied "When I got an answer that was technically correct but practically useless I figured we were at Microsoft Headquarters, and once I knew that we were in Redmond it was easy for me to plot a route home."
A helicopter pilot was cruising around Seattle when he lost track of where he was in the dense fog that enveloped the area. He would have to land soon due to fuel constraints, so he scribbled a clear sign that said "Where am I?" and held it against the cockpit window as he hovered near a large building with an observation deck. The people standing on top of the building waved and started writing out their own sign. They held it up so the pilot can see and squinting, the pilot made out the response "You're in a helicopter".
The pilot shook his head for a moment, then smiled and headed off to the nearest airport. His passenger was amazed.
"How could you know where to go based on what that guy told you?" he asked.
The pilot replied "When I got an answer that was technically correct but practically useless I figured we were at Microsoft Headquarters, and once I knew that we were in Redmond it was easy for me to plot a route home."
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar tender says "We don't serve your kind here, get out" and tosses the poor piece of string out onto the sidewalk. Walking dejectedly away, a thought comes to him and he asks the next person he sees to tie him in a knot and make fringe out of his ends. He then marches right back into the bar and orders another drink. Bartender says "Hey, aren't you that same dumb piece of string I threw out of here a few minutes ago?" And the string replies...(are you ready for this)...the string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
Just how long have you been married?
A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags. Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband. The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I've been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."
With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags. "Where do you think you're going?" demanded the wife.
" I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!"
A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags. Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband. The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I've been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."
With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags. "Where do you think you're going?" demanded the wife.
" I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!"
