This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old man sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree." he said, with a thick yiddish accent.

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said.
"So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked.

Other pioneers said, "Oh, I think he was joking with us."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.

Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."

The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! --maybe It vuzn't a bacon tree...

"It vuz a ham bush."

 

[Megawolf]

WHY? WHY? WHY?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him?
Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

 

[Megawolf]

This is funny as all get out...I don't care who you are - F-U-N-N-Y! I spit my screen!

The doctor said to the soldier ' the good news is I can cure your pain. The bad news is that it will require castration.You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a backache and leg pain. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
The soldier was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without pain for the first time in years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a military tailors and thought, 'That's what I need... A new dress uniform.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Dress uniform.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 48 long.' The soldier laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
The soldier tried on the outfit it fitted perfectly .As he admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' The soldier thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed him and said, 'Let's see, 36 sleeves and 18-1/2 neck.'
The soldier was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.'
He tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
The soldier thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 38.
The pongo laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a backache.'

 

[MuleShoe]

DANG NOW YOU TELL ME LOL ! NOW THATS FUNNY !

 

[Megawolf]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

[Megawolf]

Oh. my golly!!!

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.


'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

 

[Megawolf]

Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
Pat doesn't like it but being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees. After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago." !!

 

[Megawolf]

An 80-year old man named Ted, walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.
The doctor says to him, “Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?”
“Great,” says Ted. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”
The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, “Ted, let me tell you a story. I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a lion. He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.”
“What?!” cries Ted. “Why? that’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.”
“Exactly!” says the doctor.

 

[Megawolf]

A young woman walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman.

"Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche.

"I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of cash out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back 2 days later, "I want my money back... it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her... in case she is not driving it properly.

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate. 120 mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145 mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier. "Can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"

 

[Megawolf]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"