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This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

Dear Abby,
My husband hasn't worked for the last 18 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know this because he brags about it to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive liquor day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he tells me he knows I`m a lesbian and besides that, my varicose ...veins and fat behind turns him off.
Should I clobber him with something heavy, or should I just leave him ?
Sincerely, Mad as Hell


Dear Mad as Hell,
You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out A.S.A.P. Don’t t resort to violence and try to act more like a lady. Remember, you were almost elected President of the United States, so try acting like one.
Abby
 
An Irishman is not feeling too grand so he went to the doctor.


AN IRISHMAN GOES TO THE DOCTOR WITH BOTTY PROBLEMS..
'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'
'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
and another and another, etc.....
Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
'I KNEW I WASN'T FEELING TWO GRAND
 
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
 
The circus was in town and Stanislaus and Oleg were the featured act. While Oleg walked across the high wire without a net, Stanislaus would balance on Oleg's shoulders, all the while juggling 5 balls at once. A few minutes before they were to go on, Oleg called for the ringmaster. It seems Oleg had become deathly ill by eating some bad sushi and would have to cancel tonight's performance.
"You'd better tell Stanislaus," Oleg said. Walking into Stanislaus' dressing room, the ringmaster got right to the point. "Stanislaus, I have some bad news. You won't be doing your act tonight."
"Why not?"
"You don't have Oleg to stand on!"
 
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love -- which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night!"
 
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. 'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
 
Its been a long couple of days. A simple old joke made me laugh for the first time in two long...two very long days.


Little Johnny asks his mother her age. She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 yrs old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F in sex!"
 
Got jumped on by 6 punks last night.


SO YOU COWARDS think you're tough because you jumped me?? Waited for me to be alone... in front of my own house ???I still handled all of you, left 3 of you on the ground laid out!! You're lucky I don't have any marks on my face. I have some on my arms and neck but so what!!!! I bet you didn't expect me to swing back since it was 6 against one. I might be 61, but I'm not too old for this! Yeah, I'm not gonna lie I was getting tired of fighting and just wanted to go back in the house, but I kept on swinging and made sure you got yours.. PUNKS!!!!! All I have to say is, you started this and I finished it!!!!! I hate mosquitos!!!
 
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
 
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