This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Just got stopped by the police... Im now riding legal so I aint trippn however, I wanted to see something! Yeah... I already knew why he got me (i was speeding) but of course, I was gonna ask him why he stopped me. I dont have any extra money to give this parish so I decided to test my luck and humor. About a week ago, I purchased some fart spray and tried it on my kids but wanted to see just how far I could push it. The bottle says to squirt about 2 sprays... well as the policeman walks toward my vehicle, i spray about 5-7 squirts. he asks me to get out. I yell, I cant. He immediately stops in his tracks and says well why not... and Lawd.. Whats that?? I say.. Ive had a bowel movement on myself.. (the look on his face was one that says... Youve got to be ****tn me) anyways.. I say sir, My stomach hurts.. My boss sent me home bcuz I.... (he is at my window and I didnt even finish my sentence) He grabs his face, backs up and says... Omg.. u think u need an ambulance. I said no (tryn not to laugh.. he looked worried and sick) Im On my way home, I live right around the corner.
Policeman: YES MAAM, BE CAREFUL AND TRY NOT TO SPEED BUT I UNDERSTAND ITS AWFUL. HOLD ON.. ILL ESCORT U!!!
Yall, I didnt expect it to go this way but the police waited til I got out the car (he stayed in his) so I had to walk all the way to my door with my ass cheeks clinched and limpn like I was hurtn‍
Moral of the story: DONT HAVE 1.. but Im going buy a case of that fart spray. No ticket written

 

[Megawolf]

Read this for an incredibly simplified version of what has been going on in Circle-Jerk DC!!? It spells it
Incest, it’s Incestuous
From 2001 to 2005 there was an ongoing investigation into the Clinton Foundation.
A Grand Jury had been empaneled.
Governments from around the world had donated to the “Charity”.
Yet, from 2001 to 2003 none of those “Donations” to the Clinton Foundation were declared.
Hmmm, now you would think that an honest investigator would be able to figure this out.
Guess who took over this investigation in 2002?
Bet you can’t guess.
No other than James “Wassup Homey” Comey.
Now, that’s interesting, isn’t it?
Guess who was transferred in to the Internal Revenue Service to run the Tax Exemption Branch of the IRS?
Your friend and mine, our favorite person in the whole world if you are a Tea Party Member, Pro-Life or a True the Vote supporter……. ding, ding, ding, ding Lois “Be on The Look Out” (BOLO) Lerner.
Now, that’s interesting, isn’t it?
It gets better, well not really, but I am sure this is all just a series of strange coincidences, right?
Guess who ran the Tax Division inside the Department of Injustice from 2001 to 2005?
No other than the Assistant Attorney General of the United States, Rod Rosenstein.
Now, that’s interesting, isn’t it?
Guess who was the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation during this timeframe???
I know, it’s a miracle, just a coincidence, just an anomaly in statistics and chances, Robert Mueller.
What do all four casting characters have in common?
They all were briefed and/or were front line investigators into the Clinton Foundation Investigation.
Now that’s just a coincidence, right?
Ok, lets chalk the last one up to mere chance.
Let’s fast forward to 2009, shall we?
James “Wassup Homey” Comey leaves the Justice Department to go and cash-in at Lockheed Martin.
Hillary Clinton is running the State Department, on her own personal email server by the way.
The Uranium One “issue” comes to the attention of the Hildabeast.
Like all good public servants do, you know looking out for America’s best interest, she decides to support the decision and approve the sale of 20% of US Uranium to no other than, the Russians.
Now you would think that this is a fairly straight up deal, except it wasn’t, the People got absolutely nothing out of it.
However, prior to the sales approval, no other than Arkansas Bill goes to Moscow, gets paid 500K for a one hour speech then meets with Vladimir Putin at his home for a few hours.
Ok, no big deal right?
Well, not so fast, the FBI had a mole inside the money laundering and bribery scheme.
Guess who was the FBI Director during this timeframe?
Yep, Robert Mueller.
He even delivered a Uranium Sample to Moscow in 2009.
Guess who was handling that case within the Justice Department out of the US Attorney’s Office in Maryland.
No other than, Rod Rosenstein.
Guess what happened to the informant?
The Department of Justice placed a GAG order on him and threatened to lock him up if he spoke out about it.
Interesting, huh?
How does 20% of the most strategic asset of the United States of America end up in Russian hands when the FBI has an informant, a mole providing inside information to the FBI on the criminal enterprise?
Guess what happened soon after the sale was approved?
~145 million dollars in “donations” made their way into the Clinton Foundation from entities directly connected to the Uranium One deal.
Guess who was still at the Internal Revenue Service working the Charitable Division?
No other than, Lois “BOLO” Lerner.
Interesting, huh?
Ok, that’s all just another series of coincidences, nothing to see here, right?
Let’s fast forward to 2015.
Due to a series of tragic events in Benghazi and after the 9 “investigations” the House, Senate and at State Department, Trey Gowdy who was running the 10th investigation as Chairman of the Select Committee on Benghazi discovers that the Hildabeast ran the State Department on a unclassified, unauthorized, outlaw personal email server.
He also discovered that none of those emails had been turned over when she departed her “Public Service” as Secretary of State which was required by law.
He also discovered that there was Top Secret information contained within her personally archived email.
I will spare you the State Departments cover up, the nostrums they floated, the delay tactics that were employed and the outright lies that were spewed forth from the necks of the Kerry State Department, we shall leave it with this…… they did everything humanly possible to cover for the Hildabeast.
Now this is amazing, guess who became FBI Director in 2013?
Guess who secured 17 no bid contracts for his employer with the State Department and was rewarded with a six million dollar thank you present when he departed his employer.
No other than James “Wassup Homey” Comey.
Amazing how all those no-bids just went right through at State, huh?
Now he is the FBI Director in charge of the “Clinton Email Investigation” after of course his FBI Investigates the Lois Lerner “Matter” at the Internal Revenue Service and exonerates her.
Nope couldn’t find any crimes there.
Can you guess what happened next?
In April 2016, James “Wassup Homey” Comey drafts an exoneration letter of Hillary Rodham Clinton, meanwhile the DOJ is handing out immunity deals like candy.
They didn’t even convene a Grand Jury.
Like a lightning bolt of statistical impossibility, like a miracle from God himself, like the true “Gangsta” Homey is, James steps out into the cameras of an awaiting press conference on July the 8th of 2016, and exonerates the Hildabeast from any wrongdoing.
Can you see the pattern?
I could go on, Rosenstein becomes Asst. Attorney General, Comey gets fired based upon a letter by Rosenstein, Comey leaks government information to the press, Mueller is assigned to the Russian Investigation sham by Rosenstein to provide cover for decades of malfeasance within the FBI and DOJ and the story continues.
FISA Abuse, political espionage..... pick a crime, any crime, chances are...... this group and a few others did it.
All the same players.
All compromised and conflicted.
All working fervently to NOT go to jail themselves.
All connected in one way or another to the Clinton's.
They are like battery acid, they corrode and corrupt everything they touch.
How many lives have these two destroyed?
It cannot be numbered.
Incest, it’s Incestuous
As of this writing, the Clinton Foundation, in its 20+ years of operation of being the largest International Charity Fraud in the history of mankind, has never been audited by the Internal Revenue Service.

 

[Megawolf]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days] Try this out:
Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

 

[Megawolf]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
He said: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago... Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
"Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said:
"Wedding Cake."

 

[jmartinroe]

DOG OF THE YEAR AWARD

Nancy Pelosi called Chuck Schumer one day and said, I have a plan to help us win the mid-terms in 2018 and help us regain control of Congress.


"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Chuck..

“We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the shelter and pick up a Labrador retriever, and we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Billings, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?"

“Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Chuck suggested we stop and take in some local color." They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"

 

[Megawolf]

That there is funny! I dont care who you are - FUNNY!

Time to clean my screen.

 

[Megawolf]

THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says.

You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says,



"I will NEVER forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

 

[Megawolf]

I believe we all know the 3 letter word for donkey....



The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS *** FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ***
and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

P.S. The other moral of the story is NEVER TRUST A REPORTER!!!

 

[Megawolf]

I love this one

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

 

[Megawolf]

Although this real it is still funny....umm...honestly its sorta scary. Married men will know what i mean. At least once a year and usually multiple times (before guest or holidays, and in the Spring) your wife will get a funny look in her eyes. Sorta looks like a squirrel looking at a cache of nuts hidden away for winter. You can feel the tension building. In the early years its you are going to get lucky but afterwards its.......the Honey-Do-List and it is being formulated right NOW!

I am scared.