This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "About a gallon."

 

[Megawolf]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


(You're gonna love this.)


The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

 

[Megawolf]

Jack and Jimmy, two liberals were driving along a street near DC in an limousine. Jack looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Slacks $2.50 per pair".

Jack said to his partner, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to DC we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they think we are politicians, they might know were out to make a few bucks off the backs of working people".

"OK Jack, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy.

They go in and Jack said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up the car and you get ready to load them in!"

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Washington DC, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Jack. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners, you dumb ass".

 

[Megawolf]

Ethnic joke....The ultimate ethnic joke
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,
walk into a very fine restaurant.




After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says, "I'm sorry......
v
v
v
v
v
v
You can't come in here without a Thai. "

 

[Megawolf]

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret, 75, looked him over.
“Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”

 

[Megawolf]

I have not seen this in a while.


Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.
"I want to get weighed," said Sandra.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

[mojo]

I have not seen this in a while.


Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.
"I want to get weighed," said Sandra.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Lmfao!!

 

[Megawolf]

4 friends go fishing.....
First man: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second man: “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third man: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth man has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth man: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” and she said, “Wear sun-block.”

 

[Discollector]

Hope this one hasn't already been told here. It's about my neighbor:

My neighbor, age 84 (?) got a letter from the IRS. It said there was a lot of unusual activity going on with his account and that he had to report to their offices at a given time and date.

My neighbor gets to thinking about it and decides to hire an attorney and on that fateful day, my neighbor and his attorney walk into the IRS office to talk with an agent.

The IRS agent explains that my neighbor is on a fixed income yet ever few weeks a large sum is deposited and then a week or so later, it is taken out of the bank. My neighbor says, "I guess maybe I gamble too much." The IRS agent says "you mean like slot machines and Blackjack?" No, that isn't it a all. I like to bet. I'll bet on anything says my neighbor." The IRS agent asked for an example.

My neighbor says, "I bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye." The IRS agent took the bet. My neighbor removed his glasses, pulled out a glass eye and bit it. "Ill be danged," says the IRS agent. My neighbor put his glass eye back in and put on his glasses. He then told the IRS agent, "I'd like to give you an opportunity to get your money back. How about we double the bet and I'll bite my other eye?" The IRS agent thought about it a moment, and said "You're on." My neighbor took off his glasses, removed his dentures and clamped down on the other eye. The IRS agent said (expletive deleted.) My neighbor said, "I'd like to give you the odds and make a bet that favors you." The IRS agent says, "What's that?" My neighbor says, "you see that wastebasket on the other side of the room" (which was good twelve feet away.)

My neighbor says, "I can stand at your desk, take a pee and every drop will go into that wastebasket. How about a $10,000 wager on it?" The IRS agent said, "I will definitely take that bet." My neighbor pulls down his zipper and urinates all over the IRS agent's desk. The IRS agent jumps up and is happily exclaiming, "I guess you're out ten grand on that one." The the IRS agent notices the lawyer sitting there with his hands buried in his face.

What's wrong?", the IRS agent asks the lawyer. The lawyer says "That old guy bet me a hundred grand on the way over here he could pee on your desk and you'd be glad he did it."

 

[Megawolf]

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'