• ODT Gun Show & Swap Meet - May 4, 2024! - Click here for info

This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

For my friends "Down Under".........
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?' The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.' The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .' The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.' Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia .'

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?' The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?' 'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile. 'We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'
 
45263636_1910420809042421_781216536386863104_n.jpg
 
wait for it...


This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina and noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted, "Allah be praised!” and "Death to all Infidels!,” when, suddenly, he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying and I knew that If he didn't get help, he would surely drown!

Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.

It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.
 
The Perfect Man

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You’re just
like Frank."

Passenger: “Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman
could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if
she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife
 
Love the oldies..


While walking down the street a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.

"No problem just let me in," says the Senator.



"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hades and one in Heaven.

Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."



And with that St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hades.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.



The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.



"Well then you've spent a day in Hades and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute before he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hades."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hades.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.



The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.



"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.



What happened?"



The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
 
t's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'
 
Back
Top Bottom