This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

This one always makes me smile.


A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[Megawolf]

I love a surprise ending...get it?....ending...lol.



It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch."
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!
"****," said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

 

[Megawolf]

This is just....uummm...

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

 

[Megawolf]

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

 

[Megawolf]

Not to brag, but I just went 8nto another room and remembered why I went in there.....it was the bathroom, but stil.....

 

[Megawolf]

I had my patience tested......I'm negative...lol

 

[Megawolf]

Im all about personal growth. I hate it when someone cannot let go of the past.. debt collectors are the worst.

 

[GAgunLAWbooklet]

Heard this on the Shannon Burke radio show this morning.
Had to google it and find the meme.

 

[Megawolf]

ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO GEORGIA~

1. Save all bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."
5. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
6. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December (if ur lucky)
7. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is. AND JEEP! But only the REAL JEEPS!
8. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.
9. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
10. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy".
11. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
12. Yes, weddings, funerals, and divorces must take into consideration Football games.
13. Everything is better with Ranch dressing.
14. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious, we will sit there until we die!!
15. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass.
16. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. Some people put their hand over their heart.
17. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s really feeling bad for someone.
18. No matter what kind : Sprite, Coke, Pepsi, Mtn Dew, it isn't called soda or pop. It's all called Coke. Except Dr. Pepper. It's always Dr. Pepper.
19. If you don't like the weather in Georgia, wait 15 minutes, it will change.
20. You moved here from California for a reason. Leave your political views there and don’t California Our Georgia.
21. Don’t be alarmed if you see a man that is not a police officer with a gun on his hip out in public. It’s called ‘open carry’ and it’s kinda our thing.

 

[Megawolf]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said .... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.