Anyone been forced into having your parent declared incompetent?

[57tr6]

Many of you are fortunate that your loved ones were of mind that they would go ahead and sign paperwork so you could take care of the day to day finances and take care of them. My wifes parents would not. That makes it more difficult but it still can be done. A doctor has to declare them incompetent and then they go into the hospital for a three day evaluation.She fought it and had to be restrained. It took five people to get her back in the bed one time. It was heartbreaking.They both had alzhiemers at the same time plus she had dementia.She had to go straight into a home because she had been gradually turning more violent and we feared for the safety of my father-in-law. Before she was the sweetest most gracious southern lady you ever met. Same thing happened to her sister so we fear it might be hereditary.
Their doctor had been telling them and us for two years before that they needed to be in a home but they still had enough control that they refused to talk about it. Eventually there always comes a breaking point where you have to step in and take over. Its not easy or pretty. Ours came when they got pulled over by the police.They were fighting. My father-in-law gave the officer a vet card for his dog as his drivers license. Neither one knew where they were. She had 4k cash in her pocket book and had been flashing it around everywhere they went. She was cussing the officer when I got there.
We placed her in a facility.The very best we could find.Because of her violent tendencies she stayed heavily medicated.She didnt last long.
My father-in-laws only wish was that he stay in his house and we honored it. At first he was alright by himself with me stopping by several times a day. It eventually took four people rotating shifts to take care of him. It was terrible watching the alzhiemers take his mind a little at a time. By the time he started losing control of bodily functions every shred of self dignity was gone.
My father-in-law never went to church or was religious in the least. One day we were sitting at the table and he threw up his arms toward the heavens and cried out Jesus,Jesus,Jesus. That was when he gave it up. He was stangely calm after that and stopped talking. He died six weeks later.
The medications that are available for alzhiemers can not reverse it but they can slow it down. Early diagnosis is critical.

 

[woodstock]

Sorry for your dad and your family. My mom passed after a very long bout with dementia.
As many have said she didn't know who we were. Doctor/medical care is a good resource, utilize it. Caregivers are available to help as long as he is able to stay with you, don't be too proud to use them.
Best to all of you.

 

[Hunter4life]

My grandfather is in his late 70s. He's gotten worse the last year or so with it. It comes and goes but getting more frequent. His mother had it and her sister. His only wish is he not get put in a nursing home. He don't drive anymore last time he did my grandmaw called me from a local gas station and told me to come get them. When I got to them I just acted like I was riding by and seen them. Invited them over then slipped out and took the battery cable off while they was inside. So when he got ready to leave I offered to drive them home and get his car looked at since it wasn't cranking. I hear the same stories (mostly when he was younger) and he explains them in detail. He calls me my dad name and I just answer. So far he hasn't gotten violent with anyone. He knows he's has it but he's still having good days without issues and taking a memory pill that his doctor has him on. All paperwork was signed last year with him so we've already taken care of that. It sucks he taught me to drive a truck and a tractor and riding mower. Took me fishing and hunting when I was little. I think more of him than I do my own father. When growing up they lived next door to us the whole time. It's a sad way to watch someone you know and love go but for me I'm just trying to remember the way he was more than how he is now.
Best wishes to you all.

 

[Clarke123]

This is a "NO WIN", emotionally charged, painful and necessary task that more and more are facing as members of our society live longer and longer.
In the case of dementia, you are facing a situation where the person isn't crazy, they just don't remember ... which makes for a terrible situation when you have to institutionalize them ... they will feel that they have been betrayed by their loved-ones, and you will feel like a heel for doing it and that you should do something else ... but there really isn't a whole lot of options available to most of us ... and usually little to no money for exploring other opportunities The reality is that this is "Tough Love" ... Their everyday care and safety MUST be your overriding consideration!

My sister has been a substance abuser for decades, and had gotten to the point that she was literally killing herself. Insomuch that the law is pretty specific in that someone cannot be committed to treatment "against their will" our options for her seemed hopeless! In a act of total desperation, I contacted the State of Georgia Elder Abuse Line ... "Self Abuse" is among the reasons that they will intervene ... Thank God! They, along with the social work at the hospital she was initially sent (for evaluation) got her placed in a skilled nursing facility (where she has been for 6 months). Interestingly, they cannot "hold her against her will" (and she doesn't want to stay there!); however, they will not release her unless someone agrees (in writing) to provide her a place to stay. After advising all of her (so called) friends that I would hold them legally responsible for her well-being and care if they signed her out .... she continues to live in a nice, clean, safe and controlled facility that assure that she get the care that she needs! This same route might also work for an aging parent who cannot take care of themselves and absolutely refuses help!

Earlier we went through a somewhat different process with my now departed grandmother, and are now going through it with my mother.
Finding a facility that they can afford and that is acceptable is a daunting task in and of itself. If your loved-ones have the funds, a group called "A Place for Mom" can be of tremendous assistance (GOOGLE the name for their website / information) They don't charge for their service, getting a finder-fee from the facilities that they suggest to those who use their service.

Also, drop by your local county senior services facility and pick up some brochures that they will have there ... OH, and otherwise they are mostly useless in helping you!

Keep in mind, usually the further out into the country, the better the care, and the smaller the cost. When you visit a facility, keep in mind that the level of care is fairly consistent among all of them (there are very strict rules and laws involved, and inspections required) ... the "glitz" shown in the front offices and public areas are mostly there to impress the family and justify a higher cost for the facility!

In the case of my grandmother, she had very few funds that were quickly totally exhausted. We even had to sell her house. When the funds ran out, the State of Georgia (through Medicaid) took over her care ... She actually never moved and was able to stay in the same place / room she was in when she was paying the bill!

My mother is going to be a whole other level of complexity and difficulty ... something that I'm working on right now!

 

[testdepth]

Clake123,

My hats off to you and your family for being able to deal with this. Mine will be relatively simple because the paperwork is done and no attorneys or courts involved. The stress on the family is unbelievable!

 

[Dr. Jekyll]

Oh man, I'm going through this now too. Mom and dad are in their late 70's. Mom has Alzheimer's and is on the decline. Dad is still in good shape, but the 24x7 caregiving is getting to him. My brother and sister and I are all in the area and doing what we can. Dad's having a hard time crossing over the decision line that she's going to have go into a memory care unit somewhere. I can only echo what the other's have said. Just remember that all of those times when they don't know who you are, or are fighting you, etc. - that's not your parent - that's this terrible disease that is ravaging their brain. I recommend the The 36 Hour Day and Learning to Speak Alzheimer's. The first part of The 36 Hour Day is really good for giving a tiny bit of insight into what's going on in their head and why they exhibit some of the behaviors that they do.
I also recommend a support group. It really helps to be with and talk to others going through the same thing.

 

[57tr6]

Oh man, I'm going through this now too. Mom and dad are in their late 70's. Mom has Alzheimer's and is on the decline. Dad is still in good shape, but the 24x7 caregiving is getting to him. My brother and sister and I are all in the area and doing what we can. Dad's having a hard time crossing over the decision line that she's going to have go into a memory care unit somewhere. I can only echo what the other's have said. Just remember that all of those times when they don't know who you are, or are fighting you, etc. - that's not your parent - that's this terrible disease that is ravaging their brain. I recommend the The 36 Hour Day and Learning to Speak Alzheimer's. The first part of The 36 Hour Day is really good for giving a tiny bit of insight into what's going on in their head and why they exhibit some of the behaviors that they do.
I also recommend a support group. It really helps to be with and talk to others going through the same thing.

Yes. The caregiver gets overlooked as everyone is focusing on the one needing care.

 

[testdepth]

After receiving four bids on trying to convert existing space at my home it has slowly become a reality that the best place for my father is Assisted Living. Since going to get him in CA he has done nothing but fight me all the way. It has been two months of daily battles, his negative attitude, his anger, his paranoia, his memory loss and the continuous explaining about what is best for him. Then to add the fact that he does not know or remember that I am his oldest son and the way he treats my family as if they are all strangers. I had hoped for more and wanted my relationship with my father to be the way it was 7yrs ago but it just won't happen. He walks around my house constantly as if he is a guest in a strangers home. I have heard it said that people with dementia show who they really are down deep inside when the outer layers of the onion peel away as they slip further into the disease. Some people are very happy and pleasant to be around and others are bitter, angry, negative, depressed people who drag everyone down. My dad is the latter. I was told that he used to make my step mother pay him for his gas when he would have to drive her to the doctor for her back or her cancer. Sort of fits with what I and my family have been dealing with since he has been here.

I cannot keep putting my family through this and I found him an Assisted Living facility that is very nice and it really is like a 5 star hotel. There are over 40 other people that live there as a Retirement Home and as Assisted Living. The people are very nice and the ones living there are very happy and welcomed him to move in. Hopefully some day through the fog that he lives in he will realize who helped him when he needed it most. Hopefully living with other people in his same situation (or as he put it "my own kind") will make him a happy person. I have done my best and my conscious is clear. I wish the rest of you dealing with this the best and the others I hope you never have to deal with it.

 

[dakota port]

a few hints i have used for my grandmother with severe dementia before she passed


1) create stories about where folks are that the patient wants to see, children being baby sat elsewhere. that type of thin
2)nod and agree. don't confront them every time, nod and agree and do not be afraid of walking out of the room into another room where you can make sure the person is safe without direct contact
3) if a outside door has both a deadbolt and normal lock reverse the normal lock so the key part is inside and lock the door at night or when the patient becomes unruly and you feel they will try to walk away.
4) night and day is hard to differentiate for them, their minds might tell them its afternoon at 1:00 am
5) have a strict bedtime, my grandmother went to bed at 7:00pm-7:30 pm everyday and we had to be quit so as not to wake her

i wish you luck, and i say patient because it helps you deal with the loss of you normal relative, you may be looking at your father but mentally he might not know you because he thinks your still 10 or some other younger age as time is different in their minds. think of them as people age 14- in the body of an older person

edit: saw your update, some of my advise still pertains to nursing home visits