I need new jokes…

[jmartinroe]

three guys bragging about what they bought their wives for Christmas. The first one said he got his something that goes 0 to 60 in 6 seconds. His friends asked what, to which he replied, "A BMW." The second guy said he got his wife something that goes 0 to 60 in 3 seconds. His friends asked what, to which he replied, "A Porsche." The third guy said,"That's nothing. I got my wife something that goes 0 to 300 in one second. His astonished friends asked what, to which he replied, "A bathroom scale."

 

[basstracker89]

Never fart in an apple store

There are no windows

Why not??.....You'd have the place to yourself.......

 

[basstracker89]

Four men met to play a round of golf one fall day.
The first golfer told his friends that he almost didn't make it because his wife was giving him grief. He told her he'd take her to dinner.
The second golfer said, that's nothing. I've got to take mine to dinner and a musical.
The third golfer said, that's all? Not only do I have to take her to a dinner and a show, but I've got to buy her a diamond necklace too.
Then the three look at the fourth, because they all knew his wife required the highest maintenance of all.
He said "What?"
They asked what it was going to cost him, with much anticipation.
The fourth replied "Nothing"
The other three demand how he did that?
He said I rolled over this morning, cuddled up, and said "Sex or golf?"
She said wear a sweater, it's cool out.

You know it!!.....

 

[basstracker89]

Seems like a lot of work to come up with new jokes.

Just get a new wife and keep telling the same ones.

(She should appreciate this one as you read her the responses)

That'd get real expensive......

 

[basstracker89]

. I bought sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!

I love it!! That's a good one!!

 

[Stomp2012]

Boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said "it must be my weekend immune system"

 

[Just1more]

 

[Dawn2Dusk]

Preacher man moves into a new neighborhood and realizes the house he bought needs the lawn cut something awful.

He remembered seeing a yard sale at the entrance to the development so he went to see if they possibly had a push mower for sale.

Sure enough there it was, a push mower for $40.

So the preacher asked the little boy that was running the yard sale if the lawn mower run good. A little boy replied oh yes sir it cranks just fine and mows all day long without a hiccup. I made enough money last year with this exact mower to buy me a riding mower and that's why I'm selling it.

The preacher man buys the push mower and pushes it home.

When he gets to his overgrown lawn he checks the oil and the gas and then tries to crank it. After three pulls, push mower simply will not start. So he pushed the mower back up the street to the yard sale to see what the deal was.

The little boy said oh there's no issue with the mower sir you just have to cuss it in order for it to start.

The preacher man says son I am a man of the cloth I Do not even know how to cuss.

The little boy said you keep pulling on that mower in this 100° heat and YOU'LL LEARN rather quickly......

 

[Stomp2012]

You hear about Buddhist monk that ordered a hot dog from hot dog stand. Said “make me one with everything”

 

[InTune]

Patient bent over awaiting prostate exam. Doc enters: Ok Steve, lets not get an erection during your exam. Patient says: my name is Dave. Doc: I know, my name is Steve