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Smart Watches - seeking a unicorn

I'd like a simple android smart watch that just tells the time, rings an alarm and notifies me when I get a text msg, email etc.

I do not want my health, steps, iq, blood pressure, bowel movements or any other nonsense monitored, reported or evaluated.

I do not want to spend half my life trying to disable apps that do such things.

I don't want to look like I'm wearing something from the russian space program, or toys r us, bought by someone desperately trying to compensate for the lack of equipment in other departments.

I can't find anything remotely like this. Anyone know of the watch I'm looking for, (the one that rode the short bus to watch school) ?

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