This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

The recession has hit everybody really hard and no one is selling anything below multipliers of 4...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[Megawolf]

The difference between the North and the South - at last, clearly explained.

The North has Bloomingdale's; the South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's.
The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.
The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish.

Northern zoo's have exotic animals in cages and a plaque that describes the creature's natural habitat.

Southern zoo's have exotic animals in cages and a plaque that describes the creature's natural habitat, and a second plaque with a recipe card.

Advice for Northerner's Moving South:

In the South, if you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.

Be adviced that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mommas taught them how to shoot.

And Remember:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits.

 

[Megawolf]

A older married couple was setting on the front porch, when the wife gets up, rolls up her magazine and SMACKS her husband in the snotlocker......He looks shocked and says "Hey, what's the big idea??". She answers "That's for 40 years of BAD SEX!!". Directly the man gets up, rolls up his newspaper and cracks his wife a good one upside the head....."Hey!", she cries, "What's that for?"........He replied "THAT'S FOR KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE!!!"

 

[Megawolf]

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup on Thursday. He spends a couple of hours getting test after test after test. Finally he's allowed to go home.

The following Thursday, he receives a call from the Dr. who says, "Well, I've got good news and bad news, which would you like first?"

The man thinks for a second and says, "well Doc, what's the good news"

The Dr. replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but you've only got a week to live"

The man is distraught and cries and pleads and after much repeated questioning of the doctor, he finally seems resigned to his situation, and asks the Dr. "Well, if that was the good news, what was the bad news?"

The Doc replies, "I was supposed to call you last Friday"

 

[Megawolf]

I've should've ran this with the BLONDE jokes... Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car & opened the trunk.

Taking out two cardboard men, I unfolded them & stood them at the rear of my car, facing the oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it.

They are in trench coats, exposing naked bodies to the approaching drivers. Cars started slowing to see my cardboard men,
making it safer for me to work at the side of the road. Of course traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns,
& waving like crazy, so it wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind and walked towards me I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?" he asked. "My car has a flat tire," I said calmly
The state trooper roars out....."Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe he didn't know. So I told him. "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

 

[Megawolf]

Here's the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition. The winners:

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners:

Coffee: The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted: Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly: Impotent.

Negligent: Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Pokemon: A Rastafarian proctologist.

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 

[Megawolf]

I knew this would eventually happen on these NM roads, finally got pulled over the other day. The cop was pretty much a jerk but what can you do.

While he was busy writing out the ticket, these bugs kept flying around his head and for some reason were leaving me alone.

He was swatting these bugs, trying to scare them off but they were pretty persistent. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore and said, "yeah those bugs can spot an a-hole a mile away".

He glared and me and asked "are you calling me an a-hole?"

"No Sir" I replied, "but you can't fool them bugs"

 

[Megawolf]

Railroad tracks- An explanation of bureaucracy and why some things just are....

-The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

-Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

-Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

-Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

-So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

-And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

-Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

***So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process, and wonder, 'What horse's *** came up with this?', you may be exactly right! Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' *****.)

==Now, the twist to the story:

-When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah ..

-The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.


-So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ***.

-And you thought being a horse's *** wasn't important?

-So, Horse's ***** control almost everything...

**Explains a whole lot of things, doesn't it?

 

[Megawolf]

Saw this on FB through Mrgunsngear..

 

[Megawolf]