This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Discollector]

And so I'm speeding down the Interstate on my way to work at a new job and can't be late.

In my rear view mirror I see a cop coming upon me and I decide to try to out run him. After a couple of minutes, however, I get to thinking. He's got an eight cylinder car to my four cylinder car and there is a police substation just ahead. So, I pull over.

The cop approaches my car laughing. He said, "You knew you couldn't outrun me when you started that." He continued on, "Look I'm just trying to get off my shift and was concerned about the speed you were going. If you can give me a good excuse as to why you were going that fast, I'll let you go."

At this point, my mental Rolodex is going ninety miles an hour and that late for work excuse isn't cutting it. Then it dawned on me. And so I said, "Look officer, last week my wife ran off with a cop. I looked up in the mirror and saw you coming at me that fast, I thought it was him trying to bring her back." The cop smiles and says, "thanks, have a nice day."

 

[Megawolf]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale'......so, he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.
'Do you really talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Beagle replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told them and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know, one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.' "Well, in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders--because no one figured a dog would be eaves-dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for 8 years running, but all that jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years, you know) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars!?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a bullshiotter .... He never did any of that Marine Corps stuff.
He was in the Navy!'

 

[Megawolf]

"Why the preacher ALWAYS catches fish!" says one local......"I'm gonna go with him and learn the secret!!!" "Say Preacher man, can I fish with you?" Preacher says "Shore nuff, pick you up at 6:30 am." Next morning, they head to the lake, launch the little boat in the dark, and paddle 'round to a little cove. Jus' then the local realizes that there ain't no poles in the boat! Preacher reaches up under the seat, grabs a short stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it overboard.....BOOM....then starts scooping up all the fish. "Oh My Gosh BOY Don't you know you can't do that it is against the law.......!" the man hollered at the preacher, who reached under the seat, grabbed a short stick of dynamite, lit it and handed it to the man, saying "Well are you gonna sit there, or are you a'gonna fish?"

 

[Megawolf]

Weather'd been too hot and dry, ponds were low, oxygen content in the water sucked, fishing had been pretty bad for a couple months. One Saturday afternoon up comes a strong west wind that blew in cold air and a slow, steady rain that lasted all night. A preacher knew most of the congregation, well, at least the males in the congregation, would be going fishing, what with the cool , cloudy, drizzely weather, so he decided to call in sick and have the district office send in a substitute preacher.

The ol' preacher loaded up his piroque and wheeled his ol' station wagon back to some secret fish ponds out in the middle of nowhere and started casting a black scuppernong grape metallic gummy worm up amongst an old tree.

St. Peter watched all this and reported to God, asking the father to prevent any fish from biting. About that time the preacher felt a nibble and set the hook into a 40-pound world record bass.

St. Peter's jaw dropped to his chest and after watching the preacher win the 20-minute battle with the monster bass he demanded of God, "How could you allow this no-good lying preacher skip church to go fishing land a world record bass?"

God kind of snickered a bit, grinned, and responded, "Who can he tell?"

 

[Megawolf]

********

A man died and went to heaven. He saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. "Why all the clocks"?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.' 'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, she never told a lie.' 'Where's President Obama's clock?' asked the man. Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a CEILING FAN........

 

[Megawolf]

Ed the Chicken

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You pooped the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

 

[Megawolf]

A ODTer walks into a bar outside of the Main Street Guns & Pawn and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman---

The ODTer gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? 'What's so special about it?'

The ODTer explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The ODTer smiles knowingly , taps his watch and says, 'Dang thing's running an hour fast.'

 

[Megawolf]

For my MC buddies

A man was riding his Suzuki V Strom down a lonely Texas farm road one day when his engine just quit running. He got off the bike, squatted down next to it to inspect the motor. Just then, a big black and white cow ambled along and stopped behind him and peered over his shoulder. "Your trouble is probably a fouled carburetor", said the cow.

The startled man jumped up and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer that his V Strom had stalled and that a cow had come up and spoken to him, saying his carburetor was fouled. The farmer asked, "Was the cow black and white?" "Yes, yes!" cried the biker. "Oh, don't pay any attention to Ol' Bossy. She doesn't know a fuel injected bike when she sees one."

 

[Megawolf]

Will the blonde jokes ever stop? Well, NO!

So this blonde lady is in a HURRY getting in her Lexus, and doesn't see her pet wiener dog jumping in just as she SLAMS the door.......and unfortunately cuts the dog's tail clean off........... She phones her husband, who asks her if she needs help and just WHAT she is going to do..........and his wife answers that she will just take the dog to Wal-Mart.
"What for" asks her husband?
Well, aren't they the world's biggest retailer?????

 

[Megawolf]

It's hunting time damn it!

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go
deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time
for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,
and be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty
minutes. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a
very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled
without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.