This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Only in Georgia my friends, Only in Georgia...Too bad...
A liberal lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a liberal lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Georgia . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the liberal lawyer...
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the liberal lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The liberal lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..
The liberal lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
God Bless Georgia......

 

[Megawolf]

A study revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.

 

[Megawolf]

Language alert...if you're sensitive keep scrolling...


***Top 10 times in History when the "F" word was most appropriately used***
10. "What the **** was that?"- The Mayor of Hiroshima
9. "Where the **** did all these Indians come from?"- General Custer
8. "Any ****ing idiot could understand that."- Albert Einstein
7. "It does SO ****ing look like her!"- Pablo Picasso
6. "How the **** did you work that out?"- Pythagoras
5. "You want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?"- Michaelangelo
4. "Where the **** are we?"- Amelia Earhart
3. "Scattered ****ing showers...my ass!"- Noah
2. "I need this parade like I need a ****ing hole in my head!"- JFK
1. "Aw, c'mon, who the **** is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton

 

[Megawolf]

Sunday Services at 10 AM.....


A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
********POOF****** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
*******POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
******POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached .

 

[Megawolf]

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

 

[Megawolf]

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
Butler: "May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
His Lordship: "Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
B: "In The Times I found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
HL: "What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
B: "APLOMB," My Lord.
HL: "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
B: "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
HL: "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
B: "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
HL: "Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
B: "I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
HL: "While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
B: "I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
HL: "That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
B: "Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
HL: "And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ? That, Carson, is complete COMPOSURE, or APLOMB!"

 

[Megawolf]

SENIOR TRYING TO RESET PASSWORD

WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.

USER:
cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:
boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER:
1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

USER:
50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character

USER:
50DAMNEDboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:
50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:
ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS:
Sorry, that password is already in use

 

[Megawolf]

GOSPEL!!!!!!

A man was sitting on the edge of his bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

[Megawolf]

Really old one....




Good Medical Advice~
His practice has no room for new patients! He is a medical wizard!
I love this Doctor.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

 

[Megawolf]

The Indian
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."