What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
Ground Beef.
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ODT Gun Show & Swap Meet - May 4, 2024! - Click here for info
The part where the chili man said he's done lost sight in one eye really made me laugh out loud...glad I'm alone,people already are scarred of me cause they think I'm not all there in the head...
After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.’ said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually hot and sweaty; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time; and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied.”That's because the first time is usually in June, and the second time is in December."
'In fact, I do.’ said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually hot and sweaty; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time; and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied.”That's because the first time is usually in June, and the second time is in December."
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: “Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”
Old lady fainted........
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: “Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”
Old lady fainted........
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England, Scotland and Ireland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been screwed lad?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No'.
She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in'.
The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been screwed lad?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No'.
She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in'.
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!!..
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!!..
Blonde Joke duh!
A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blond, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blond went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blow...ing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blond roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.."
A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blond, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blond went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blow...ing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blond roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.."
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later. A local newspaper in Kentucky reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Hazard, KY Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless."
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after, a story in an LA newspaper read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later. A local newspaper in Kentucky reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Hazard, KY Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless."
