This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen... I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “H**L NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!

 

[Megawolf]

 

[xlr8ngn]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.

I thought it was the hymen lick maneuver?

 

[Megawolf]

Touche'

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice:
“NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?”

The man responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

 

[Megawolf]

Latest Marketing Explained ...People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
*You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed.”................That's Direct Marketing.
*You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed.”................That's Advertising.
*You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day, you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.”...............That's Telemarketing.
*You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" And reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed.”.................That's Public Relations.
*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed.”.................That's Brand Recognition.
*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.....................That's a Sales Rep.
*Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you..........................That's Tech Support.
*You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!”..................................That's Facebook.

 

[Megawolf]

"Please hold my e-mails until further notice. I am in the hospital. I was attacked by a woman in an elevator. I was already in the elevator when she got in.
"I was casually staring at her boobs when she said, ""Could you press one for me please.""
"So I did... and I don't remember much afterwards, but I'm guessing it was the wrong one."

 

[Megawolf]

SEX in the MILITARY... IS IT WORK or PLEASURE???
A U.S. Army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained
that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to
get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just
how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending
upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure.
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.

 

[Megawolf]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'--

 

[Megawolf]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man, you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow a little older than me, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that !"

 

[Megawolf]

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a Duck