This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Looking worried, Johnny said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!

 

[Megawolf]

The Preacher asked his flock to forgive their enemies and all but one said they had.
Asked why, an old lady said "I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that's unusual. How old are you?"
"93." she said.
"Oh. what a blessing and a lesson you are. Would you tell us how a person lives to 93 and not have an enemy in the world."
The little old lady tottered down the aisle, faced front and said:
"I outlived the bitches!".

 

[Megawolf]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'!
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

 

[Megawolf]

As a plane passed through a severe storm, the turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried.
Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment, there was silence.
Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Indiana stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.
No one moved.
He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped...
Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

 

[Megawolf]

Still a good one....

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children.
A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

 

[Megawolf]

Cigarettes & Tampons


A man walks into a pharmacy & wanders up & down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him & asks if she can help.
He answers that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
... A few minutes later,he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls & a ball of string on the counter.
She says,confused-"Sir,I thought you were looking for a box of tampons for your wife?"
He answers-"You see,it's like this.Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco & rolling papers because "It's soooooo much cheaper."
So I figure if I have to roll my own...so does she !

 

[Megawolf]

Funnier at Thanksgiving...

Bad Parrot!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out into John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, and very softly asked, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[Megawolf]

The Florida Fish and Wildlife folks are warning for golfers to be on the lookout (in this drought) for alligators near water hazards....and they recommend carrying a small bell so the animals can hear you coming, and pepper spray for warding them off if they get too close. Furthermore, they suggest that you learn to recognize different alligator droppings so that you are prepared: small alligator droppings are rounded and contain fish bones, and larger alligator droppings usually contain little bells and smell like pepper spray!!!

 

[Megawolf]

Alabama Declares War on the USA

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

 

[Megawolf]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing veggies by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. a mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives - then you'll be too afraid to cough

5. You onlyneed two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesnt move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldnt move and does - use the duct tape.

6. If you cant fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.