This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

The food stamp program, part of the Department of Agriculture, is pleased to be distributing the greatest amount of food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the Park Service, also part of the Department of Agriculture, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals" because the animals may grow dependent and not learn to take care of themselves.

 

[Megawolf]

And since that wasn't really a joke - here's 3 from my Nana:

What's the most musical part of your body?

Your nose - you can pick it or blow it.




What's the crookedest thing in the world?

A fart - it aims at your feet and ends up at your nose.






What's the skinniest thing in the world?

A fart - it goes through your pants without leaving a hole.

 

[Megawolf]

When devastating hurricanes struck the Gulf Coast , even houses of worship were not spared. A local television station interviewed a woman from New Orleans and asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives. Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know 'bout all those other people, but we ain't gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye's."

 

[Megawolf]

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.

 

[Megawolf]

An engineer and a lawyer were recently fishing in the Caribbean. The fishing was outstanding and they got to talking about their vacations.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the blazing fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a raging flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The puzzled lawyer asked, "How DO you start a flood?"

 

[Megawolf]

One day at the zoo, two zookeepers noticed that Cindy the Orangutan hadn't been acting herself lately. She wasn't eating very much and hadn't been very active. They also noticed that she was very short-tempered. The zookeepers thought that maybe Cindy need some "action" to get her out of her slump.

"I think Cindy needs a little lovin'. She's been alone in this cage alone for quite some time", one of them says.

"I agree, but where are we going to get a male orangutan to take care of her," says the other.

Right then they notice Bob the Janitor sweeping out the Gorilla cage. "Bob has done some weird things in the past. I bet we could get him to do it."

So they wave Bob over and proceed to ask him, "Hey Bob. For $500, would you 'take care' of Cindy for us."

"Well, let me think about it for a minute.", Bob says.

"Ok. I have some stipulations though.

1. I don't want her thinking this will be a regular thing. I'll do it once and that's it.

2. If she happens to get pregnant, I don't want anything to do with the kids.

And 3. You'll have to give me a couple of weeks to come up with the whole $500."

 

[Megawolf]

A Coloradan and a Michigander were hunting in the UP when an illegal alien runs across the field.

The Michigander takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him. "You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan.

"No, no, it's legal here in Michigan" replies the Michigander.

Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door. Just then an illegal alien
runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him. "But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Michigan!" protests the Coloradan.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

 

[Megawolf]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The
> place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while
> 'the lights would turn off.'
>
> Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
>
> However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked
> up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
>
> The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a
> naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf. ''Well, in that case, I'll just
> look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the
> back of the restaurant.
>
> After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long
> enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender
> and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because
> I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the
> bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't
> understand,' said the puzzled nun.
>
> 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on
> that statue, the lights go out.
>
> Now, how about that drink?

 

[Megawolf]

The Sneeze


A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.


As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said.


"Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded,

I sure am,

"Black Pepper."

 

[Megawolf]

Two women sat quietly together, minding their own business.


BUT....BUt....but...


I thought this thread was for jokes, not fairy tales!!