This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

The graveside service for the old man's always nagging wife was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

 

[Megawolf]

 

[Megawolf]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

 

[Megawolf]

I inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day I received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing... "You can have mine!"

 

[Megawolf]

Stimulus explained:

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

Next the Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "But you didn't even measure like the other guys. Or do any figuring. How did you come up with such a high estimate figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

 

[Megawolf]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with **** and you say something with ***."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, ****, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat *** it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[Megawolf]

4th marriage

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honey moon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

 

[Megawolf]

 

[aFarewellToKings]

View attachment 1255222

Gotsta have a spokesman!

 

[Megawolf]

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration......

Son of a bleep!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!