Funny!!
-
ODT Gun Show this Saturday! - Click here for info and tickets!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothin' much, I just wanted you to know....you left your Injun running."
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothin' much, I just wanted you to know....you left your Injun running."
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
George replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Kevin said to George, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!'
We need the height, and she gives us the length.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
George replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Kevin said to George, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!'
We need the height, and she gives us the length.
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"
The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.
This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like all get out!"
The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.
This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like all get out!"
Here’s what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
I was equally outraged.
“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.
“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know!” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”
“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.
“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.
“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.
“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d’s sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.
“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
“So, Ernie’s just...just...excited?", my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I’m picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...”
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.
“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay egg
<1778>
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
I was equally outraged.
“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.
“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?”she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know!” she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”
“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.
“Well, isn’t THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.
“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.
“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
“I don’t think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d’s sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.
“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. ‘This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
“So, Ernie’s just...just...excited?", my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
“What’s so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I’m picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...”
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad.” he told me.
“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay egg
<1778>
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
A little chinese man jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The chinese man jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord..."
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really peed off now that this man doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
"OK smartie, you get up here and do it"...
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
"a jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
A little chinese man jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The chinese man jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord..."
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really peed off now that this man doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
"OK smartie, you get up here and do it"...
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
"a jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
A young man named John received a rooster as a gift. The rooster had a bad attitude. He would attack John any chance he got. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the rooster. The rooster yelled back. John shook the rooster and the rooster got angrier and even bit him, drawing blood. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the rooster squawked and crowed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the rooster, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The rooster calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the rooster what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the rooster. The rooster yelled back. John shook the rooster and the rooster got angrier and even bit him, drawing blood. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the rooster squawked and crowed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the rooster, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The rooster calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the rooster what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him.
The big guy says, “What’s wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me….. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around!
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him.
The big guy says, “What’s wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me….. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around!
think about it.......
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job.
Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to
make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little
too reckless and caused a crash. All but one person got out alive.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty
and sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution
came he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana,
he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew
and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Now, at that time there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution
was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And
somehow he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not
learned his lesson at all he went right back to driving the train with reckless
abandon.
Once again he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial
when much the same as the first resulting in a sentence of execution. For his
final meal the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas he was
strapped into the the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew,
smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
This of course meant that he was free to go. And once again he somehow
managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of
no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once
again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution he
requested his final meal - three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your
stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing
to eat. We're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped into the electric chair
without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the
room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to
do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job.
Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to
make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little
too reckless and caused a crash. All but one person got out alive.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty
and sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution
came he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana,
he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew
and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Now, at that time there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution
was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And
somehow he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not
learned his lesson at all he went right back to driving the train with reckless
abandon.
Once again he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial
when much the same as the first resulting in a sentence of execution. For his
final meal the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas he was
strapped into the the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew,
smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.
This of course meant that he was free to go. And once again he somehow
managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of
no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once
again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution he
requested his final meal - three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your
stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing
to eat. We're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped into the electric chair
without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the
room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to
do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
Or some really bad jokes told around the campfire back in 1795.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Wherever you left it.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky.
What do you call a cow on an Mary Jane?
High Steaks.
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Udder Destruction.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Wherever you left it.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky.
What do you call a cow on an Mary Jane?
High Steaks.
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
Udder Destruction.
