This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ...
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

 

[Megawolf]

VERY SAD DAY.

A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

 

[Megawolf]

time for a one liner?

If alcohol influences short-term memory, what does alcohol do?

 

[Megawolf]

A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his backside.
The doctor takes it in at a glance and says, "Looks like you've got a real problem there."
The guy says "Doc, this is just the tip of the iceberg."

 

[Megawolf]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named George?"

 

[Megawolf]

Not a one liner but short......A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier," she said, "but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat, looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I really should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

 

[Megawolf]

'nough he said.....


Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say

39. `I`ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex`
38. Duct tape won`t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I`ll have a Heineken.
35. We don`t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can`t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it`s not safe.
30. Wrasslin`s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We`re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I`ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who`s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn`t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I`ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I`ve got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Betty Jo, is registered at Tiffany`s.
11. I`ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She`s too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here`s an episode of `Hee Haw` that we haven`t seen.
5. I don`t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a redneck say--
1. Elvis who?

 

[Megawolf]

Words to Ponder

1 . Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you will have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and lot of that comes from bad judgment.

20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

23. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

[Megawolf]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a STD (sexual transmitted disease) to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He being a liberal wanted the spotlight so he immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

 

[Megawolf]

An old guy walked into a barbershop looking for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and instructs the old fella to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When the barber finished, the old man says this was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but
he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

“That’s no problem,” the barber replied. “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”