Get your *cough* in that mother *cough* house right now before I beat your *cough*
Dont worry I dont have covid.
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Dont worry I dont have covid.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
what do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
what do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear.
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idear.
what do you call a deer with no eyes, legs and balls? Still no freaking idear..
what do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
what do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear.
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idear.
what do you call a deer with no eyes, legs and balls? Still no freaking idear..
The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."
"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.
The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, "I can't."
Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow. "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."
"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.
The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, "I can't."
Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow. "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
That's what all of our tickets said...
Once there was a dragon slayer named Nick. Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. However, Nick had a deep secret. He had a desire to sleep with the queen.
One day while having a few drinks, he revealed his inner desire to his friend Horace. Horace was the king’s most trusted minister and all he desired was gold. He made a deal with Nick, saying that he would give Nick an opportunity to sleep with the queen in return for 1,000 gold coins. Nick agreed.
The next day while the queen was taking a bath, Horace went to the room where the queen’s clothes were laid out and put some itching powder in her bra. The queen started itching and wailing in agony and the king promised a hefty reward to any man who can put an end to the pain.
Horace had given Nick the antidote, told him to put it on his tongue and have fun. Nick showed up in the King’s court and said that he could cure her if he had a few hours alone with her, the king had no other choice but to agree. Nick had his fun and the queen was healed. The king rewarded Nick quite handsomely and sent him on his way.
When Horace showed up at Nick’s doorstep the following day demanding the gold coins he was promised, Nick wasn’t willing to pay. He said Horace could do nothing or else both of them would be in serious trouble. Horace warned Nick of dire consequences, but to no avail.
The next day, while the king was taking a bath, Horace placed some itching powder in the King’s underwear. Nick was immediately summoned to the king.
One day while having a few drinks, he revealed his inner desire to his friend Horace. Horace was the king’s most trusted minister and all he desired was gold. He made a deal with Nick, saying that he would give Nick an opportunity to sleep with the queen in return for 1,000 gold coins. Nick agreed.
The next day while the queen was taking a bath, Horace went to the room where the queen’s clothes were laid out and put some itching powder in her bra. The queen started itching and wailing in agony and the king promised a hefty reward to any man who can put an end to the pain.
Horace had given Nick the antidote, told him to put it on his tongue and have fun. Nick showed up in the King’s court and said that he could cure her if he had a few hours alone with her, the king had no other choice but to agree. Nick had his fun and the queen was healed. The king rewarded Nick quite handsomely and sent him on his way.
When Horace showed up at Nick’s doorstep the following day demanding the gold coins he was promised, Nick wasn’t willing to pay. He said Horace could do nothing or else both of them would be in serious trouble. Horace warned Nick of dire consequences, but to no avail.
The next day, while the king was taking a bath, Horace placed some itching powder in the King’s underwear. Nick was immediately summoned to the king.
The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation..
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."
The entire congregation said, "Amen.."
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation..
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."
The entire congregation said, "Amen.."
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a
very lavish New York City Building, when a
young and beautiful woman gets into the
elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She
turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,
"Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an
ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman
gets on the elevator, and also very
arrogantly turns to the old woman saying,
"Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has
reached her destination and is about to get
off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks
both beautiful women in the eye, then bends
over, farts and says….
"Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"
very lavish New York City Building, when a
young and beautiful woman gets into the
elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She
turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,
"Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an
ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman
gets on the elevator, and also very
arrogantly turns to the old woman saying,
"Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has
reached her destination and is about to get
off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks
both beautiful women in the eye, then bends
over, farts and says….
"Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"
Painting the Church
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor
who was very interested in making a penny where he
could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go
a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the local church decided to do a big
restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low,
he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up
the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say,thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away,
the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a
horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain
poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the
church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land
on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,"Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,
"Repaint! "Repaint! And thin no more!"
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor
who was very interested in making a penny where he
could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go
a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the local church decided to do a big
restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low,
he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up
the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say,thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away,
the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a
horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain
poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the
church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land
on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,"Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,
"Repaint! "Repaint! And thin no more!"
That’s funny
