Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colors? He suffered from a reptile disfunction.
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So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, mean-acting, and a very ugly woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Heck no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the heck would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, mean-acting, and a very ugly woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Heck no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the heck would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall, and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.
The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?"
The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry."
The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The guy says
Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"
The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?"
The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry."
The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The guy says
Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"
Reminds me of this one.
A manager at walmart was interviewing 4 candidates in a group interview. He asked the 4 candidates "What the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man said "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head!"
The second man said "Hmm... let me THINK." after a couple of minutes to prove that a thought is not the fastest, he said "A blink! Blinks happen instantly!"
The third man wanting to show that his answer was the most intelligent said "Light.. Light travels at 299,792 kilometers per second."
The manager was highly impressed with the 3rd candidates answer!
Bubba, the 4th candidate laughed and said "DIARRHEA!! You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had done **** in my pants.
Bubba is now a greeter at a Walmart near you!
Ahem…
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.99, deer nuts are just under a buck.
Whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.99, deer nuts are just under a buck.
This sounds like me....
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch."
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!
"SHIooT," said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch."
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!
"SHIooT," said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.
here it is... Your Yearly Dementia Test (only 4 questions)
Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
#1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else. And, try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question #2.
# 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.
# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks,what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this???
PLEASE, go lie down!
But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.
# 4. Do not use a calculator for this:
You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.
Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: If it makes you feel better, 95% of people fail most of the questions!
Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
#1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else. And, try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question #2.
# 2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.
# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks,what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this???
PLEASE, go lie down!
But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.
# 4. Do not use a calculator for this:
You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.
Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age?!?! It was YOU driving the bus!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: If it makes you feel better, 95% of people fail most of the questions!
What’s the difference between iron man and iron woman?
One is a super hero and the other is a simple command.
***Not responsible for things being thrown at you by significant other***
One is a super hero and the other is a simple command.
***Not responsible for things being thrown at you by significant other***
