This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

The City Gal and the Cow


A city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what is the nail for?'

The Gal turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

 

[Megawolf]

an old one but worth repeating..

From ObamaforDummies… Enjoy!
> Bob: “Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?,
> Jim: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “You mean SEAL Team 6?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> im: “You mean voter fraud?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”
> Bob: “No the other one:.
> Jim: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The president’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The president’s threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The president’s repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The president’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “Clinton, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
> Bob: “No, the other one.”
> Jim: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck us again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”
> Bob: “THAT’S THE ONE!”

 

[Megawolf]

with another Star Wars movie coming out you should be able to use this one...

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are in the middle of a furious lightsaber duel, the outcome of which will decide the fate of the galaxy. The fight has raged backwards and forwards for several minutes, but at last it appears that Luke has the upper hand. Another few strokes and he has Vader pinned against a wall.

Suddenly, Vader rasps, "I know what you're getting for Christmas."

"No!" screams Luke. "That's not true! That's impossible!"

Vader takes advantage of Luke's momentary distraction to bat his lightsaber aside and launch a new attack. Luke ends up on the defensive for a while, but eventually he regains his composure and, as is the way of such things, good begins to prevail again. Before long he has beaten Vader to the floor.

"I know what you're getting for Christmas," says Vader again. But Luke isn't going to be taken in by the same trick twice, and Vader gets no opportunity to try another comeback.

"How?" Luke demands instead. "How could you possibly know that?"

And Vader says, "I felt your presents."

 

[Megawolf]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in it now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther!
I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
A squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes...
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs...Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

 

[Megawolf]

Four CEOs meet up at a bar.
It's the CEO of Budweiser, CEO of Heineken, CEO of Carlsberg and CEO of Guinness. The CEO from Guiness orders a Guiness and says "the best selling beer in america" and enjoys a sip. The CEO of Heineken orders him a Heineken, says "the best selling beer in Europe" and takes a sip. The CEO of Carlsberg takes a bottle of Carlsberg, takes a sip and say "probably the best beer in the world". The CEO of Guinness askes the bartender if he can have coca-cola, all the other CEO's spits out their beer and start laughing at him and asks why he don't order a beer. The CEO of Budweiser shrugs and said "if you girls ain't ordering beer, then neither am I."

 

[Megawolf]

A couple was shopping on Christmas Eve, and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her cellphone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

 

[Megawolf]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

<1683>

 

[MuleShoe]

That's just a drop in the ocean to crap that went on under his term!

 

[Megawolf]

WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome
plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
"
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

 

[Megawolf]

A doctor addressing a large audience in Oxford opens the floor for questions.

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said.... . ..

"Wedding Cake"