This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Text Message---

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door.
I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I've promised her that it won't happen again.

Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his wifes key to her new car, and without a word, drove it through the garage into the house. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbours text and saw he had another message:-

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway but as you saw, my predictive text changed 'WiFi' to 'Wife'. Hope you saw the funny side of that. LOL

 

[Megawolf]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

 

[Megawolf]

TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2015

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

 

[Megawolf]

Hair dryer....

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please!'

 

[Megawolf]

The doctor that had been seeing an 40-year-old-man for most of his life finally retired.

At his next checkup, the new doctor told him to bring all of the medicines that had been proscribed. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized the man had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mr. Smith, do yo realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mr. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!". He reached out and patted the young doctor's shoulder...."Yes, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old daughter drinks...and BELIEVE ME, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

 

[Megawolf]

The Polite Way to Call Someone a SOB

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

<1713>

 

[Megawolf]

Two angry jumper cables go into a bar and the bartender says to them...I will serve you a drink but if you try to start anything I will have to kick you out!

 

[Megawolf]

After dying in a tragic hunting accident, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.

They were all asked the same question: “When you are in the casket, friends and family will be mourning over you. What would you like to hear them say about you?”

Without hesitation the first guy (a liberal doctor) and immediately responded, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great man.”

The second guy (a Democrat) never hesitated either and said, “I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and public servant who made a huge difference in our community.”

The last guy was an avid ODTer and thinks a minute and finally replies.......... “I’d like to hear them say…LOOK! HE’S MOVING!!!”

 

[Megawolf]

Recently, a distraught husband went to the local police station, along with his next-door neighbor, to report that his wife was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing woman.
The husband said, "She is 35 years old, 5-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 115 pounds, 36-24-36, does not talk much, doesn't mind riding, and is a good motorcycle mechanic."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your wife is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, flat chested, has a big mouth, and is hates motorcycles."
The husband replied, "Yes, but who wants her back?"

 

[Megawolf]

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put the BABY!!!"